which came first...jazz music or feelin' jazzy?

i'm just wondering who invented the word jazz?  was it a bunch of musicians who were just scattin' along and thought it sounded just like it sounded...an onomatopoeia for the muzic, so they called it jazz? or did the word exist as a feeling and the music couldn't help but add it's much more than two cent's worth?
it's just that i'm sitting in this completely wonderful, totally packed and kinda grungy coffee house on a saturday afternoon and a wonderful jazz combo of old folks is just going to town.  the room is bubbling up with all kinds of wonderful conversations, people meeting eachother, many sitting alone with their computers and the craziest melange of chairs, hard and soft, old and new.  seriously, there are at 40-50 people encroaching all over their personal bubbles of space because this music is going and snow is fresh outside, winter is upon us and we want to snuggle indoors.

i ask you starbucks, barnes & noble, corporations far and wide...do you truly want to cut off the spontaneous human element that much?  take away the soft chairs so people can't linger and connect? thoroughly regulate just how much time equals your one cup of coffee's worth sitting in our indoors space?  or how about this...provide a product, space to gather, creative offering that draws people in because it is inviting, encouraging and engaging?  those people come, not because there is a reverse psychology appeal between supply and demand...we might not have enough space for you to stay long, but you can at least try to hang out for a minute; but because the space to be open, connecting and organically taking root and growing  always has room for you. it is from this space that true abundance and success begins!

perhaps this is why jazz is the perfect american music...it allows the space for collaboration, room to grow, connect, jump in or fall out according to harmony and dischordance?  so enough with those corporporations that limit me in this way, that's just plain anti american!!!  and totally un Jazzy!!!!

This is a prayer for the open hearted...

This prayer goes out in images, no words attached.  just an open heart and spirit, praying for the essence of the image.  The other day i sat down to blog and all i could add was the above pictures; not for some mechanical or formatting reason, but because it was all i had to say. i didn't even know what it meant.

So i've taken a few days to sit with and realize
there is often no reason to put words to expression,
no call for reason from form.
Sometimes simple expression is the meaning
and words just detract from what is being born.

what a stretch for the expresser in me, my medium is words;
how they sound together, or when juxtaposed against another.
the picture drawn from word's expression invites the mind,
the memory to launch the journey from which they're tethered.
and so the leap, with no words to support,
trusting that image will strengthen the cord.
when close in falling, almost touching the ground,
the vision that lifts us is what turns it around.

Let me say it a second time...are the voices inside worth getting out?

People you should see the pages of writing i have that aren't ever going to make it to this blog.  i sit down to write, pour some shit out...and it all feels too raw and personal to share here.  i'm not sure how that feels to you.  how vulnerable does just one seeker need to get in public? but that's the whole idea right?  or else why would i be writing this silly old blog anyway...so here goes my new attempt to share a bit o' the lama with y'all today:)

Let's get real,

the two minds of the lama...she who talks the loudest?

i've had a lot of people share with me that i speak and write very eloquently...in fact, some have gone so far as to say it's intimidating.  believe me folks, i don't share what i write or those 'compliments' in an attempt to garner support for the silky stylings of the lama fan club.  mostly i just pour stuff out, but what i am realizing is that the process of writing for me is one of synthesis...it isn't just stream of consciousness, but more assimilation.  a way for my brain to get up to speed with what has been on runaway for however long and is begging for a look to be taken at it.

Here's the conflict,
how do i take a look with my heart instead of just making the space for my brain to get involved? i do this review thing, this synthesis or assimilation, and i think it's part of an elaborate ruse for my ego to settle back into the fiction that it's in charge.  if my brain gets to wrap itself around all the thoughts and emotions that i am experiencing, then it gets to harness and dictate what choices/actions i will make next.  so there's the rub...i'm on this hugantic quest to get the fuck out of my ego brain and writing seems to put me right back there. (see if i use the f word here, you can tell i'm really fed up with this bit and while you might be offended you also might get on board and relate with how high my emotional frustration is...good girl ego felt the need to explain that one, brainy ego felt the need to qualify for good girl so she doesn't seem stupid...well fuck, anyone else want to chime in?)

so what's the goal...well according to my laughing yogini, there is no goal, there is only now...so that's what i got for today.

serendipity

have i used that one before?
or more aptly asked, has it used me?  the moments in between the arrivals and departures--the tiny bits that happen when waiting for the other shoe to drop-- have quite a way of showing up to teach me such big stuff...i find these synchronistic moments so deeply meaningful that i sometimes end up drinking too much from that cup and not simply tasting what is right in front of me.


This week i departed my full-time "employment" of fundraising and service/learning expedition work to "employ" myself a little closer to home.  i've spent the past three years working for a cause based primarily in Brazil, and while it was so clearly the perfect place for me to be doing my thing during that time, it is so clearly now not!  The clarity i am now seeking is a little more understanding on what my "thing" is and how i do it exactly.  i talk a good game with great profundity, but can i match that in my walk? 

i like the question, i guess i am willing to embrace being in that question for the time being..to notice my own willingness to show up in each moment, knowing that each one is some form of an answer to prayer.  am i clever enough to recognize that answer, see how i have called in the moment to teach or gift me with deeper clarity on my own path. 

These are the moments of serendipity, the answers to prayer, the funny little ways that life has of working itself out, and if i can remain open to delving into those moments, sharing with vulnerability my own experience from that place...i just might stand a chance of entering full-time into the real occupation of life...now that is worth the gamble isn't it?

life has a way of seeping in at the edges eh?

I'm a Magic Pixie/Storyteller, What are you?

This winter has truly been a space of ebb and moving in fallow land to discover what might be growing just under the surface.  For me this has been a therapeutic time of stillness, deep soil regeneration and wondering.  i am in wonderment at how life continually blesses me with challenges and awakenings that coax my timid footsteps into clearer paths.  i wanted to share just a bit of that learning, reaching out in connection and a willingness to be seen.

i meet with a group every couple of weeks that does some deep work/play on fundamental energy concepts of spirit and intuition.  recently our guide asked in general "what are your intuitive gifts?"  it's sometimes hard to just come right out and say it isn't it?  or maybe that's just me.  and sometimes i don't even have a clue what my gifts are.  in that moment i wasn't interested in hiding my gifts, but claiming them--so i joined in by saying "i'm a storyteller".  she said, "great, will you present to us next week?"   i'm sure you can imagine my own shock and no meagre dismay at having to move from saying a single word about myself into actually turning on this so-called gift in front of a group that i consider to be quite gifted.  What was i thinking, why did i raise my hand, how could i have dared?

the next week class was canceled, i had a reprieve i thought.  but as time stretched out, my little ole brain got in the middle of things and started to second guess me all over the place.  Several times i had to consciously switch off that chatter to allow the deeper knowing in me a place to work.  and work it did...right alongside the brain that spent a long sick-day in bed, several tearjerking sessions evaluating my own worth and one or two silly, crazy arguments with those i love.  i never even spotted one of the causes for all this turmoil was the shifting.  all through the winter, so many things germinating inside that were just dying (or in this case LIVING) to get out.

when the evening came i was ready, that means i had calmed my tired mind and emptied it of expectation. (i did spend some funny moments making sure my house was clean, the good smelling candles were lit and i had a huge stack of possible props at hand--ahhh the busywork)  when called upon i spent a few minutes in my own "small story"; sharing what felt like vulnerable details of my own earth experience and a desire to connect even in that place.  But then i shifted in the "grand and mythic tale"--this always seems a suit much more fulfilling to wear.  without having a plan, just the intention to invite story in, in the best way it would serve the moment, i opened my storybook and went.  someone volunteered to have their story told, drew from a tray of archetypal objects (or just fun sand tray items really collected on my own journey through story) and off we went; weaving a story together that began in his own tiniest of places and ended in the biggest vision he could see of himself. (his words, not mine)

and then there was silence, how did that happen, what did i say, was that really real or am i just dreaming?  the roaring silence filled my ears with the joy of filling space with a shared spirit--as i shared my own gifts, spirit raced in to fill me up, expand my vision and guide my tale; and those loving wonderful spirits in the room met me there, so willing and joyful to witness the journey. 

I share this story as an invitation, when we share our vulnerable hearts with the courage to be seen, there is a gift created in that moment; a gift of the mythic character we each are being named and seen and celebrated.  this is no small gift and it encourages the re-gifting by it's very nature.  i thank you for so gently witnessing my own story and always offer that gift in return.

I saw this lovely little talk on TED recently that actually prompted me to write this up and share with more than my own small group that evening--i offer it as a tasty morsel of delightful insight and learning into our own magic pixie places:) Magic Pixie/Storyteller...a little TED piece about that gift

and ebb...

A major obstacle to creativity is wanting to be in the peak season of growth and generation at all times . . . but if we see the soul’s journey as cyclical, like the seasons. . . then we can accept the reality that periods of despair or fallowness are like winter – a resting time that offers us a period of creative hibernation, purification, and regeneration that prepare us for the births of spring.
-Linda Leonard, from Call to Create : Celebrating Acts of Imagination

6 Degrees of Indra's Net

     Sometimes i think if i were a composer and notes were words it might be easier to sit at the piano to write my thoughts; I would just be the music inside pouring onto the page.  With that in mind' i sing this little tune...

It's been hard to write this month; the music is a little dissonant and i feel sort of in the "thick of the trees", but it's in the writing that the song streams again and i get a better view of the "forest". Life never ceases to amaze me with how intricately its purposes weave through all our many connections.  How the 6 degrees of separation between one person i know and another are not just accidental degrees and when Indra's net of connectivity reveals how much we each are a part of the ONE.  the line in the pattern of the weave that connects me from one to another always tempts me to pick through the intricate design;

how the melody flows from one person to another; one experience to the next; always building on those chords and making the refrain that much more sweet?

This week I went to an earthshaking, heart-beating, drumming, healing night of greatness.  The drummer who began our beat, Toby Christensen (introduced to me by a friend from home), told the group of his own learning in a time spent travelling and exploring his gift with a woman from the West African Dagara tribe.  The further he got into his story, rhythms and beats i realized he was speaking of one of my dearest teachers in 9 Gates Mystery School.

Sobonfu Some 

As Toby began our night of drumming, i set my intention for a rhythmic prayer of healing and with this layer of meaning and relationship i joined in the soul-clarifying work of the drum for myself and so many in my circle-- lessons i recognized from my own study with Sobonfu.


This night of drumming stands out as a pivotal moment between the struggle for understanding i have felt in the past few weeks and the guidance this struggle gives as i prepare to return for another journey in my mystery school training.

in preparation for this journey, I've been clearing through the pressing work on my desk.  this week marked the beginning of our year end campaign for donations, and i began a series of personal calls with major donors.  my deepest desire in these connections is to create a bridge between the heartgiving, passion building spaces of my donors to the needs and deep openings of my programs and their participants--a way to invite their own hearts' song by connecting through spirit and giving.  even as i write this part i start to laugh because the day i sat down to make these calls i lost my voice.  along with a strong cold that i have this week, came pretty intense laryngitis and i wasn't able to make a single call.  So i started writing e-mails, opening deeply to spirit and the words i felt guided to write to these donors.  really simple e-mails, but at the end of a few days of this process i realized what a strong gift the power this listening provides.  when in full voice, i typically find myself ready with some seemingly brilliant thought to share or guidance to offer...and through this week learned, on a much more present and demanding note, the power of listening intently with my heart and getting out of the thinking space of my brain.(a brain/ego set upon producing a clever bit of info or string of words)

Now as i sense the beat calling in the "tribe" of 9 gates--those souls who still unknown to eachother are already members of a deeply heart-bound tribe--i feel so blessed for the very real lesson of listening.  Returning with the intention of service i am so grateful to learn yet again how to get out of the way of old physical patterns which demand attention for the conversational brilliance of an egoic chatterbox, and opening to a deeper space of listening; opening to the opportunity of being of service, answering a request of need, recognizing the wisdom of spirit as it calls for what it needs and i make myself available to answer that call--truly both for myself and others.

Ah the space here of a sounding board, where words truly do become a rythmic song and all the coincidental and synchronistic moments of learning reveal their melodic weave.

Gifts of the Desert

I feel quite certain Edward Abbey said something moving and brilliant about the gifts the desert freely gives; perhaps something like

how the sun and carrion scour our bones exposing a story our ivory is there to tell,

or maybe

the lavender hued shadows at dusk tempt us to look with the vision of owl, bat or mischievous coyote into the mystery where no sun's light casts our story into obvious relief. 

I invite you to seek out your favorite quote about these gifts(or write your own) and insert it here in your thoughts...(feel free to share if you are so inclined) for only you know exactly what mood and gift this moment asks to share with you.

this morning as i cleaned through a stack of papers in my room that clamor from somewhere deep within their pile "herein lies all the wisdom, all the answers, don't cast us away", but i'm never quite sure what to do with--i found the following birthday gift emerging to be heard and read and held, and it felt the perfect way to honor the turning of the season from birthday to autumn, from introspection to pruning and preparing for hibernation whence seeds germinated begin their coiling stretch in DNA code long since buried that ignites us all--and so i share it with you in joyful celebration of its expression.

from tessa at my birthday

Desert sun, radiant watch

the eye amidst the grass.

Stretching forth, the gnarled branch.

It holds the last rich seed.

An ancient crane, its song a sacred melody to the woman's bone.

The shadow of the red cliffs cradles,

ever holding, ever strength.

And high above, 

sent from the wind, 

a silhouette that calls you round.

A message from yourself.

You've seen its face and feel the stone.

The Place.

--in reaction,
a heart filled with tearful blessedness,
hearing the crane's cry, seeing the woman's bone
cradled deeply in red cliff's shadow
a message from self--this shadow stalks me,
warrior, shaman, sage
silhouette ever with me, silently willing and waiting to be heard
i am blessed and grateful indeed.

Co-creators all!

'WTF'..she asks herself when waking with the craziest migraine that ever snuck up on a sleepy sunday morning!

moments of wondering what the hell my spirit is up to--i think every now and then it steps up to test the things i say to see if i really mean what i am asking for...as in

"Allow myself to introduce myself"

1.  loving the hiking thing and having the most recurring hamstring tightness ever

2.  experiencing an incredible new lightness of being and hitting the top of the scales

3.  embracing the challenge and thrill of offering spiritual guidance and releasing my own attachment to having any clue how to guide myownself

4.  opening my heart to deeper loving and feeling dark moments of pure alone

5.  reveling in the self-discovery that writing brings and complete stream of consciousness writer's block

(i think there are many, many more of these i could identify, but it feels like empowering the grip of the self in me that laughably believes it is in charge of figuring things out)

so here it is for today, life isn't what i make of it...i sum it up into all these neat little boxes all the time, simple ways my brain can analyze and synthesize just what is happening in my world.  but if my world were up to the very finite reaches of my own brain, my life would be limited indeed.  so the true beauty here of all the hard stops and face-plants is learning to trust the amazing co-creator i am with the universe and know that as i call a way of being into my world, the very things to help me get that are what shows up.

here is the gift of this moment of awareness

there is an eye(I) within that does not require visual confirmation, it yields and flows as harmonics emerge.  there is no struggle for clarity and making sense--these are true functions of a limited vision; rather there is a Self that resonates in the equilibrium of the Soul awakening to its own return.
It is within the I(eye) of this hurricane that the deepest stillness resides.

Birthmonth

I'm a virgo baby and it's my birthday this month.  many years ago i adopted the practice of advertising my birthday to be exactly sure that friends and family had enough advance notice to celebrate me according to the many hints and requests i had given them.  This advance notice has truly evolved for me and it feels like it has become more of a huge set of bookends set around the month of September in which i insert as many intentional celebrations, introspections, retreats and dancefests/singalongs necessary to assure that , from the inside, i am able to celebrate my own life, know what it is that i even care about celebrating.  But this month has been a little different than past birthdays, and i am reflecting in what feels like a very different way this year.

Having just spent the month of August out of the country, out of my day-to-day life, focusing on spiritual practice and intentional open-hearted interaction, i have found myself feeling a little nonplussed this month because it feels like much of the birthday work i would normally do for the year was really taken care of last month.  And what i find myself in the middle of now is truly new territory that i both love and fear at the same time.  i find that i have enough awareness and caring for myself that i treasure the learning from my recent travels and hardships and embrace their value in my current days.  i.e.  after 30 days of being the most open-hearted, least reactionary and willing to take nothing personal person i have ever been while living abroad, i find that i am truly challenged with the notion of bringing this home and incorporating it into my daily world.  i also find that with the open heart came this willingness to risk in a way that hasn't been around for a long time...or at least that is what came home with me and started out the month.  Now i feel just a wee bit fearful because i notice old habits and protections slipping back in that i am no longer fond of.

So i am set with a Birthday Challenge of holding truer, examining more deeply, embracing more authentically this person of becoming and i'm afraid.  i don't know how to be a new me, i certainly don't know how to stay the old me and survive the inner fury.  But even more than surviving such a fury, i truly choose to step into this void, leap with abandon.  i find instead that i step with caution, tight hamstrings, puffy ankles and toes in need of a pedicure--and yet step i do--thanks to the many who have contributed to my general discomfort that i choose gratefully the risky leap rather than sticking with what i already know.