Anything but this...

It's amazing to me how the past few weeks of my life have unfolded. Through absolutely no master plan of my own, life has shown up to give me exactly what i have needed. The layers of each event have built this mind blowing feeling of assurance and grace in me that i have been craving for quite some time. --So here's the odd bit, in spite of all these happenstances (and mind you not all of them easy or wonderful--just what i needed) i have been fairly unable to articulate in this space what has been going on for me. The past few days as i have finally come to rest at my own home and had time to unravel my feelings, i recognize a resistance to write anything in these pages unless i have come to the perfect conclusion, made lemonade from my proverbial lemons or resolved the inner angst that plagues me.

i am called to ask myself--and you, what kind of learning process do i share if all i write about is the end result, none of the-along the way- underpinings for peace, love and understanding?

( i had someone accuse me of being a drama queen this week, what's that all about if i don't even share some of the drama along the way?)

I spent the last week with a truly perfectly called-in group of people--each one showing up with their own strengths and weaknesses, willing to learn as individuals and as a whole. as i sat before them, asking for understanding, connection and insight; i was overcome by their intention for acceptance, unconditional love when asked for it and willingness to witness the journey each member of the group had shown up to take.

and what did i learn about myself? i was asking to be seen--in the small and tiny ways that so many of us are afraid to share about ourselves. it took me almost the whole week to voice this request, to actually verbalize what i so needed from these people that they were so willing to give. this was not a request that might be classed, in most senses, as one of mythic proportions; and yet, the import for me is grand!!! Funny thing is, i was totally willing to do and say that for any person in that room--but was too afraid to ask for it myself. how does this fear get to boss me around? how does it get control of what i do or say? how do any of our fears get to be the thing that controls our actions, rather than our strengths or aspirations?

perhaps there is something to be said for making lemonade from those old lemons anyway. . . we, each of us, come into this world with the things that already hold great import and merit for us, things that we want to share with the world; but the way we learn to do, share, be in the world isn't always the easiest. i guess what i'm trying to say here is that i intend to write some of the hard things too, not just the glossy moments...so cross your fingers and we'll see what the little fingers type in the way of exposition.

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Now playing: Elvis Costello - (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding?
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and the mind stood still...

self examination has come to some sort of a standstill with me. it feels like learning about the balance between abandoning the machinations of the mind-the control factor it exerts, and opening myself into some place of spirit wherein the beauty and simplicity flow.

as i mentioned below, i spent 8 days in baja this month, no tourist spots, no glam shopping, not a lot of contact with people; just one day after another of waking up with the sun and surf, feeling my toesies in the glorious sand, wading through tide pools (being bit by a mini-octopus --sort of payback i guess because i'm sure i've had one of his cousins for lunch at the sushi bar one time or another)
and soaking up the essence of breathing.

it took me about 5 days before my internal chatter finally shut off and i just started hearing the most amazing things, the sucking in of water right before the clam squirts its indignance at the interloper, the heavy breathing of a worn out puppy, the tiny sniffles of a child being deeply comforted by his mother...my own soul seemed to express all these emotions as the week went by and my own inner-child was nourished and treasured by mother-earth with abundance and bliss.

and through it all i felt blessed, blessed by warm fresh tortillas daily made from the tortilleria; the most alive beach i have ever relaxed on: with fishermen, eels, herons, seals, starfish, crabs--all manner of life;
and the love and company of people who had literally been strangers the day before.

baja full moon

all the answers

i feel quite certain there will be more on this topic to follow, but felt compelled to get this little bit down as the thought occurred...

in my last entry i had this burning question feel about how i could find the time, give the concentration, etc. etc. etc.--i have realized it is these questions that are the problem, not my answers, or lack thereof whatsoever.

rather i assert this theory--just spend 8 days with absolutely no plans on the coast of baja, california, see how quickly all those silly questions fall into perspective--or just fall away altogether. it's amazing how simply living is such a gift. gratitude to the universe--little lama is truly blessed!!!!

i don't think there's any question that the world's hugest blazing orange, full moon rising out of the sea of cortez can't bring into perspective, i'm just sayin'... "i would gaze at your face the whole night through..."

same bat channel

whole new format--o.k., not really new and not different so much as just a little bit shorter.

what i want to know is how do people with full time jobs have time to fully service a blog of this nature, live a normal life and put in 8 hours+ a day? when i was just a part time worker of the world i still couldn't put the time in here that i would have liked to.

so here's my question, am i just not that hard of a worker, maybe not really that great of a writer, are others more passionate about their job--or maybe just their writing, have some discovered the secret to the space/time continuim that allows for expanding time where it is needed and contracting where it is not, is there somewhere a perfect voice recognition technology that will record my thoughts in the car and deliver them in perfected format to this blog, how do i get the sounds of water running from the shower out of the recording--that's where i seem to have my most perfect thoughts....and sometimes in that in between sleep and awake moment, when the luminous nature of the soul steps in to usher me to the other side--but it's just about then that my motor writing skills are at their worst and i never seem capable of breaking free from slumber's grasp long enough to jot a thought or two down? (how's that for a question)

anyone out there with all the answers????

Totally different view

so i'm sort in a state of writer's block these days, really more thinker's block if you will. staying way out of the zone where the brain is always churning stuff up and spewing out really brilliant reasons why everything is the way it is. i was sick for ten days this month. in the past three years, i can only remember being sick one time enough so that i actually had to stay in bed for only one day. and suddenly--in my 10 big sick days i probably stayed mostly in bed for at least 3 of them.

here's the thing(we're back to the thing again folks) i got sick because every night for the past few months when i went to bed my brain would kick into high gear, like it was the first time all day that it had a chance to get my attention. so it would jump into front and center mode and start unraveling the day in majestic proportions.(no sleep until about 3 in the morning every night turned into really bad cold and flu, hacking, coughing up a lung,)
i literally felt like mugatu and i had taken some crazy pills together. of course i haven't done anything half so grand as invent the piano key necktie or anything like that, but my brain kept trying to come up with the solutions for all of the seemingly very grandiose problems that were circulating in my life. even as i was fully aware and choosing not to rely on my old patterns of ego and mind habits to solve the situations that arose, my ego was really refusing to play along with that decision and so because i kept on telling it no during the day, it would kick in every night as i laid down to get some sleep. i ask you to try and imagine what it was like to drift off into deep slumber, all the while having craziness of the likes of will ferrell jabbering in your head about some ridiculous accomplishments that mean absolutely nothing in the long run.

wow, did i just totally ramble on without ever coming to a point there? what i mean to say is i have been really opening to operate from a soulspace point of view in my interactions and only calling on the tactics of ego as a tool. because my ego has always been the tool in the driver's seat, it doesn't like getting put into passenger mode and so the inner struggle kicks in at night when my defenses are low.

i came to an awareness this week that shifted the struggle. i have been on the offensive with the ego; going to the depths and heights of my being seeking the places it inhabits and trying to cast it out. such an offensive has literally created a warlike interior in my inner psyche--i picture it sort of like antibodies rushing around my blood, cleansing all aspects of foreign material. these little workers aren't recognizing that the foreign body is a gestating fetus(no this does not mean i am physically pregnant, but spiritually birthing a new me) and rather than trying to cleanse the foreign body, i am becoming aware that it is possible to incorporate all these pieces of me to become a greater whole. seems a very small awareness doesn't it? bringing ego and spirit into league with eachother, but the small shift in approach has amazingly changed the outer feeling.

my brain has finally settled, recognizes a way to be instead of do , and this just flows hand-in-hand with the soul part of me that rises to the surface to be authentic and conscious . it's as if i have finally learned to "turn right" , when before all i could give the world was a brilliant flash of "blue steel", i have finally opened to allowing the essential and stunning view of "magnum" as well. it's exactly the same and yet, a totally different view.




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Now playing: Gnarls Barkley - crazy
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gettin' jazzy with it!!!!

sometimes things people say just really send me into a hissy fit of hysterics. there i am about to "spit take" my barely chewed granola and yogurt all over their chatty face and they don't even know what it is they have said. one such phrase has made its way into all-time classic status for me of late is anything to do with "jazzy". how is it that we can use a phrase like, "i was feeling seriously jazzed when i heard that new song", or "that whole new spring line just makes me feel jazzy" with any hope of a reply any more serious than "i know my whole body goes into jazzmodic orgasm when i even hear a hint that neil diamond is putting out a new album", or "i could seriously just get up and dance at the thought of the new faux leopard prints at nordies this year"?

perhaps my opinion is skewed, but let me give you the story and you tell me if i have any choice but to laugh...a year ago on my birthday, it was a full moon and very close to midnight; a whole group of my very "goddessy" friends had gathered at the local swimming hole for a full moon salute, if you will. we were giggling and shivering and dunking and diving with all the joy of any group of nubile young otters (mind you the goddesses ranged from mid-twenties to forties and all sorts of body types, but full moons just have that power don't they?)

somewhere about midway through the watterlogged event one of the nymphs told the group a work story and in all seriousness used the phrase, "i was so jazzed". we all hit a moment of silence, did she really just say that? we laughed and teased and cajoled with greater and grander renditions of the phrase until we finally came up with the "jazzy challenge"--all this in the middle of the pool. each member of the group left with the assignment to use the phrase in public, in earnestness...the more people you said it in front of the more credit you get...and if you use jazz hands then you win the challenge--hands down. then we moved on with the night. the challenge went underground, some of us forgot it, some made a half-assed (smirk) attempt to slip it into the convo--and then word came...

one of our party had used it at a board meeting, in front of around 20 people, she stood up and using the jazz hands let the whole board know she was "so jazzed" about this latest program. how do you even top that without losing your cool right in the middle of the statement?

well this week my "jazzy challenge" has reemerged with a vengeance. i have spotted the use in three separate blogs, these people were not at the full moon celebration, they never received the jazz hands challenge, they just spontaneously fit it right into convo...

one of them in reference to a dance pic he was riffing on...

For anyone who knows anything about Jazz dance trivia- I'm sure you recognize the 2001 National Champions, and five-time Seriously-Jazzed Award winners, Soul Fortress…. Yes, these girls had it all- the fame, the fortune, the spandex, the Little League All Star boyfriends…. It was a true Cinderella story for this rags-to-riches squad from Caramel, Montana- until Marlie Sofer stumbled through the hotel room door, that fateful November night……

find the whole rif at casey's myspace (beware this one has graphic language and photos-link at your own risk-those who can overlook such things will find a good bit of writing and laughing)

the next i found in reference to the political process...

· It's amazing how something so incredibly exciting and inspiring can begin to take on all the charm of root canal surgery in the space of an hour; AND YET
· I am actually jazzed, in a totally politi-dork way, about getting to go to the county convention; HOWEVER
· There is no way in hell I'm going to let myself be nominated as a state delegate/alternate.

and finally, in a friend's blog about a new movie theatre in ethiopia...

I’m jazzed there is a theater in town, but disappointed that the worst of American “pop-culture” will most likely end up showing on its screens being viewed by the few Ethiopian elite who can afford to see a movie. For the average Ethiopian the cost of admission (45 birr, 5 usd) is more than they earn in a month.

so apparently, "jazzed" is the new "seriously" use it with wild abandon people, i know i will.
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Now playing: Liz Phair - Turning Japanese
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"Creative Expression" or build a bear

i have found myself talking a lot lately about a bit of wisdom that was recently presented to me by my mom of all people. i know, funny that we should take anything that our mother says seriously, but i've just got a mother like that--she says a lot of great things, and when they aren't so great, there's even good stuff to read between the lines.

she's been doing this personal, inner work business (again, i know funny huh? that a blogger like me should have a mother like that?) and working with a community of teachers for a few years. having finished up a bit of learning she felt inclined to share, and i suppose that inclined me to learn. she had a lot to say and i'm sure there were other bits of wisdom in there, but the takeaway for today is about finding yourself stuck in a problem...


i can't tell you how many people, friends and near strangers, i have talked to in the past few months that have some seriously big stuff that can be described quite clearly as a problem in their life and they feel absolutely stuck, not knowing how to how to get out of it. this is not a finger pointing game, i have definitely felt this way about a few huge obstacles that sat right down on my heart and solar plexus mid-winter, refusing to budge until punxatoney phil poked his head out and meant it. what i have been utterly thrilled about is this new piece of learning and how it shifted the monstrosity right off my chest and allowed me to shrink it to a little treasure box size--the size of a thing i can take out of its place on the shelf and look at, deal with, comprehend---and take or leave as something that has any drama in my life, rather just very valuable learning that i am glad to ingest for the gift it is and move through it, with it, on with life.

so here's the gist of the thing...when faced with the energy of being stuck in a problem we are faced with a few choices
1. if stuck, choose to be still or move
2. if in relationship, choose to move towards or away from the relationship(love, business, teacher in school, taxman, whatever)
3. move into problem solving mode or creative expression (the idea being that the brain that got us into the problem in the first place isn't the thinking place that can fix it, and engaging the brain in creative expression shifts the brain waves that are even being triggered and solutions start to flow)
hello, this is such a simple model and seems a little too simplistic to actually work right?

all i'm saying is give it a try, when you feel stuck without a place to go to solve the deep shit you find yourself mired in--move towards creative expression!!!! it shifts mountains that now really do just appear to be molehills, brings clarity in times of turbulence and soothes some seriously tense nerves.

i've had some great interactions with people lately who have reminded me how wonderful it is to express the creative being inside of me. i'm so grateful for those people, showing up to remind me how luscious it feels to be a creator, whether that is dancing, painting, drumming or belly laughing until pants wetting ensues. for all these moments i thank you. i'd love to hear about what forms your creative expression takes...let me know what things work for you


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Now playing: Fleetwood Mac - Second Hand News
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Whimsery in Action--pay it forward update

Sometime last december i made an offer to "pay it forward"--make some delightful bit of whimsery and pass it on to someone willing to do the same for someone else. i finally came up with what felt like the perfect idea while browsing for just the thing. i found the idea here (you gotta scroll down one entry)and whipped it up with great personal delight. It was a neck warmer--not a whole scarf, much more time consuming and basically we've all been there done the long scarf thing. this was just a tiny little neck muff if you will; and apparently it delighted many others because i sold 3 of them right off my needles before i was able to make one to send for this blog.
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Honestly, not trying to sell a thing, just bringing my knitting with me to work on and that's all she wrote, or knit as the case may be. Once i was even on the way to the post office with one of my treasures and my friend saw it and decided it was that exact "bit of fluff" that she must have. always one to oblige my friends, i let her have that one and started on another.
i must say, the efficient virgo in me is extremely pleased i am able to use up all sorts of odd bits of yarnas is evidenced by this bright little treasure, which is my own personal favorite and i have managed to keep it for myself--at least for the time being.(not the best of photos, doesn't do the colors justice)

This was the valentines treasure i made to give as a birthday gift a few weeks ago:)

So there's the proof of the craftiness in me and a reminder to my errant cousin, that she must post her pay it forward to receive her treasure.
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Now playing: chicago soundtrack - When You're Good to Mama
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Desert Child

This one isn't by me, it was written for me this year by a friend on my B-day. it's sort of been appearing in my dreams lately, and i find that i'm craving another dream in the desert. With the full moon upon me, joined by the lunar eclipse, i am eager for the new energy this dreams carries with it. Nice how a moment taken by another to really see just a little part of me imparts so much meaning. i am as full as the moon...

Your home, you’re home

In the valleys carved by water and wind,

These dry bowls where all bones show

Veins flow and rush to the Great,

Where hewn wheels carved ruts in salt.

From cities of sins to one of saints

To dwellings abandoned save for Fremont ghosts

And Anasazi whispers

You find shelter in the desert

Solace in exposure.

Your skin sparkles of mica, cheeks of quartz

Hair twisting ‘round like gold Mohave’s devils

Heart found huge at a narrow’s end—a

Wide, sun-beating valley of fire.

Hardened like a those of walk-a-bout’s child,

Feet that have led and sometimes followed.

Clear like a nighthawk

Clever like the crow

Laughing eyes open to a long, long path

To depths back and beyond.

In the gorge where the wren’s call clings

Down the cliffs like water,

Where coyote hitch rides on Highway 6,

Your home, you're home,

Desert Child

Pamela Ostermiller 09/12/07

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Now playing: Ray LaMontagne - Be Here Now

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