That VALR, she's so HOT right now!!!

Mother earth, wide and deep
stirs the elemental cauldron of pure matter.
As the Queen holds dominion over hive life
inherent order's beauty is realized.

Balancing a timeless dance of earth
while waltzing gently in fluid birth.
Embracing both the ebb and flow
within your nurturing womb.

Spreading Limbs broad and true,
the energy of life revealed
in the heavens of Kether and dirt of Malkuuth.

Seeking long enough to find
that death comes to the ego
only when the conscious priestess lends her graceful gaze.
And when truly "singing out her flesh"
does the heart beat once again from this worthy praise.

Now challenged as only the lone HERMIT can express
How can the HERO brave the mighty Thorn
to reach the blessed Flower?

Up on the hill set that hedge ablaze
and breathe the initiate's fire.
It is in choice of Holy MOMENT that she lingers no more,
and leaps to enter the battle.

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Now playing: Edie Brickell & New Bohemians - Good Times
via FoxyTunes

stand like a tree

i started this story over a year ago (chapter 1 Life on Earth) and have written a few versions for myself of the next chapter. over the past several weeks the next chapter has all but leapt from it's origins and i thought i would share it with you...

chapter 2

As she stepped over the garden wall, the girl child began to run. She had practiced this running thing inside the castle many times, especially when she wasn’t supposed to be prowling about; like the time she fell asleep in the throne room only to awaken to the hushed tones of constance and one of the scribes as they discussed the terrible illness of the queen’s mother that had come so quickly and without warning that no one had been able to wish her a fond journey as she left the palace seeking a new home for her sprirt . the ever-so-small girl child ran like the wind on her very tippy toes unheard as she was unseen, leaping into the menagerie of animal topiaries in the courtyard where she wailed and grieved the loss of that kind spirit who sometimes did notice the rustling undercurrent as the child passed by and kindly hummed a lullaby or two thinking fondly on younger days.

Well this time her running was full of joy, it was as if her sturdy boots spurred her to greater speeds, energetically springing from the ground, eager to tap out the rythm of horsed hooves on hard ground. She soon became so warm that she shed her warm fur robe and laid down her bag and baskets; knowing she could return for these later; hers was a sprint of utter blissful abandon.

Deep in the forest a clearing opened in front of her where a glint of light filtered down through the massive leaves of ancient maples and sycamores. The cool green light reflecting there stopped this newly born forest sprite in her tracks. The only sound she could hear was the enormous pounding of her heart right up in her ears and the rasping breaths filling her lungs with the scent of newly turned earth. There was even the slightly tinny flavor of slowly growing moss on the wide low branches of the trees here, only just moistened by the morning mists.

As her breath began to pace itself inside her lungs the girl caught another sound here in the clearing. The forest lichen clung deeply to the ancient runic stones spread about the clearing and the rhythm of another beat sounded in her ears…these anciently placed monoliths seemed to be in a dance of their very own partnering only with the sprites of the trees surrounding them. Without hesitation, our sapling tree druid reached down and slipped off her boots—feeling the heartbeat of mother earth below as she pounded out the rhythm of this lifegiving dance. It was suddenly apparent that what had once appeared to be a still and frozen clearing was really a much more stately and graceful dance floor than any even lady chatelaine herself had favored.

The leaves and light the trees and stone were weaving the most ethereal and golden path of essence through this clearing and the dance had been going on for centuries. Roots and moss began to cover her own bared feet as she lent her soles to the dance, and her arms lifted into the air, reaching to join the lofty tops of leafy trees where the warming sun sounded out the cadence of the dance. This golden union lasted years, or maybe just a moment but in that moment her veins and nerves sunk like energetic roots deep in the earth sharing a secret knowledge and imprint that rises from the earth to empower and awaken them with the wisdom of lifetimes–imprinting there a blueprint for guidance that cannot be forgotten no matter how distant the connection may become.

Her arms and even the hair on her head rose with the spirit of her soul in song to the sun, which in turn rained down lilting notes of symphonic light filling to overflow the harmonic connections to the child’s heart and the surrounding spirits of the dance. The deep rich resonating vibration that filled the clearing became the stuff of legends. The music of this moment rivaled that of the lady Florence and became the life pursuit of many a –court musician to capture it in notes and instruments.

In that priceless moment , as the girl’s spirit joined with earth and sky, the living spirit of the woods and the world, the lords, ladies and courtiers of the castle reawakened with a gasp. They too had felt what had never been felt before . and with that, the young lovely knelt down slipping back on her boots and turned to venture with great anticipation even deeper into the waiting forest.

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Now playing: the cure - Just Like Heaven (acoustic)
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why you wanna fly?

tortion in your look, something has occurred
is it possible that in this judgment we have erred?
is there something gently disguised by the twinkle in your eyes,
and do we mispeak by asking clearly to hear about your week?

it's not a problem especially and we don't mean to pry,
but the clenching stress and twitch might yet reveal the lie.
don't be alarmed by this momentary aberration
it's just something to note while passing through the station.

something to note about the psyche or consciousness
in this child that walks so bravely and silently among us.
i don't have much to go on to identify the issue
that belies the remarkable softness as it yields its inner tissue.

a melting implies that we are finally letting go of shape
while holding the gentle infant within the visionary's scape.
honor comes with engineered development of presence
an opportunity for thoroughbred to open up to essence.


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Now playing: Nina Simone - Blackbird
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Batter up!!!

Wow, talk about curve balls...
just when i'm pretty damn sure i've got it all figured out, life steps in to clearly assure me that it is time to stop figuring altogether and let go of this desperate need i seem to have to storyboard the ending of any situation in my life. it's tough to see around a curved corner to know the result at the end of the toss.

This is a good thing

in spite of all i might like to think to the contrary in the moment, what i recognize and feel so much gratitude for is that i can let go of all that "worry". the need to think about how things will work out, whether or not all the details will be taken care of, when you think about, the humor is blatant that i might actually have any level of control about those kinds of things. i wonder, did the "mighty casey" think it was a good thing when that third strike cleared home plate?

So why is this good?

the best thing i can say about that right now is that it relieves my poor little struggling ego from the responsibility of taking care of everything in the entire world that crosses my path at any level. Can you see how that is good? and more importantly--i can see and feel and breathe why letting go of that kind of wasted brain focus, opens my senses to so many more ways to learn things, to experience moments and to love life! it's a wonder we never hear the story of "mighty casey" the brainsurgeon, homeroom school teacher or amazing dad...these are the powerful stories that have a way of working themselves out and making great impact in the lives of so many that are entirely outside of our control. with that in mind, i say it's time to

PLAY BALL!!!

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Now playing: Billy Joel - Take Me Out to the Ball Game
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'Where have all the februaries gone' or 'time keeps on slippin into the future'

is it actually march? of 2009? this has been a fast-moving moment of living i have been moving through for the past little while; and at the same time slow in a way of noticing that hasn't always been my practice. . .



Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
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Now playing: Ray LaMontagne - Be Here Now
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rest in motion

movement--

change of venue

change of weather

change of body positions

different or any music

it's been a long few weeks of hard work, and i really haven't had much time for doing the personal, meaningful stuff we all crave. i'm noticing some things though that are making me really happy about my life. i started working at my current job, a start-up non-profit in march of last year. when i began, my boss said we would start with 20 hours a week, she and i the only two employees, and then see where we needed to grow. i worked 20 hours just that first week and haven't worked less than 40 since then, and usually more like 50-60. (one excrutiating week at 97.5 hours, but now i'm just begging for sympathy.)

i give you all this information because i am recognizing some great things about my own comfort level with all of this busyness and work this year. it has been hard and challenging, but i have actually quite thouroughly enjoyed it! this is so different for me. even when i am doing work i love, my need for down time, introspection and processing has always been pretty extreme and i have always looked for ways to include activities of solitude and peace throughout my weeks. those activities are few and far between for me these days and i am recognizing the fact that, for me, it's o.k. not to have perfectly blocked out "inner-work" time. it's o.k. to count a 10 minute bath as both daily hygiene and meditation; a cup of coffee with the paper counts as a "ritual" for the day that calms the inner beast.

i like it, and i'm so grateful--in our world of constant go, go, go, i am the first person to urge people and myself to always plan a few minutes for ourselves. But i am loving the fact that the distinct nature of these moments is loosening and expanding for me. the firm lines between in motion and at rest are blurring and here's the thing...
rest in motion is a great place to find solace. rather than believing the only way to leave behind the worries of a work-a-day world is to actually leave it behind, i am finding that i can "leave it behind" if i consciously choose to do so in anything i'm doing. a drive to the bank becomes a chance to pound out my favorite rock anthem, taking the stairs at work evolves into a rythmic way to focus on my own heartbeat, and writing in the hotel lobby while waiting for a meeting clears the cobwebs from my introspective brain.

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Now playing: Cake - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps
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Oh say what is truth...

thanks and blessings to the many and few who contacted me concerned for my immediate life longevity. it gave me an even further chance to reflect and refine the depth of emotion i went through last week. let me say this again--it's been a while...this is one of the places where i seriously rant, vent and express. in the very moment--my feelings, thoughts, expressions are all true, but what is truth.

a filmaker i know is working on a little short of byron katie this week and was wondering how he would characterize her at all. while i am eager to see what he comes up with, his statement of what he would actually have to say about her, made me reflect on my own self, and what is actually true. in the moment i wrote my last blog, i never felt it or knew it more strongly than at that moment. what an end of the world feeling.

this week is completely different. i'm so much more willing to be in my moments, expect good things and am actually finding that to be true. once again a reminder of how life moves in ebb and flow, and where i'm standing in the tide makes all the difference on how i experience the truth.

out of the frying pan--like a phoenix

what an absolute shitstorm of emotion and depth-plunging this week has been!!!! just before the new year i attended a little workshop about the phoenix, the idea being to get really clear for the new year about what things i would like to be consumed by the fire of the past to ignite the intentions for the new year. i came away with a great sense of purpose and the beginnings of some great clarity for 2009. there is so much i want to do and be this year and i'm so excited to be in the middle of that.

my excitement got the better of me and the hailstorm of energy i brewed up with all my clear intentions and new year's goals has ridden over me this week with the force of the mythical twelve horsemen. (i don't even know that myth, or if it is 12, but the reference sounds perfect here doesn't it?--feel free to submit the appropriate mythical reference if you know it better than i) my phoenix day of creation took place on the new moon in december, and last night--the night of the world's hugest full moon--with 2 rainbows encirlcling it, my new year hit it's biggest bang of new beginning energy--tearing my foundations out by the roots, pulling tears from eyes in torrential floods, sobs from my heart with bone-breaking strength and , quelquefois, stoic stillness that would break the heart of any stone giant.

how does a little lama survive the pain and passion of this creation? one of my godsent and supportive sisters refused to take --"back the fuck-off" for an answer and continued to text me during this storm asking how she could possibly help and support me. i don't know how i can possibly help myself, how can i move from the old, into the new without completely breaking appart--so i didn't have any answer for her. however, somewhere from the eye of the storm and within the madness of knowing there had to be a way to get out of the hurricane--i felt a tiny, little answer from within..."it is time to batten down the hatches my darling". this is not the most comforting of answers i have ever received mind you. i was looking for something along the lines of..."this too shall pass", "go to such and such address and ask for guru so and so, while balancing on one foot and staring into the wind all your problems will be solved" or "three days more and you will be perfect" these are answers that might make it o.k. for me to batten down my hatches and sit tight during this storm--but just the thought of weathering the storm without the comfort of perfection on the other end did not feel like meat enough for me to sink my teeth into.

yet--something on the inside is responding, warming to the idea, relaxing into the space just a tiny bit. Now the next thing i'm going to say is making me laugh even to think about it--a welcome change of mood certainly--so if a little upcurling sneaks to outer edges of your lips on this one, then indulge with complete abandon...odly--a 1980'S rockin' superballad comes to mind..."i'm holding out for a hero" ... skipping all the obvious and mundane ideas that i am waiting for some superhero to sweep me off my feet and rescue me from the darkness within i offer the following video for indulgence, reference, mood-changing and musical power to change energy when words alone won't do...



all that being said--here's today's bottom line... i was the one who called in all sorts of change of epic proportions, i'm the one who lay down on the symbollic bed when i could clearly see the damn thing was burning out of control, i jumped on the back of the phoenix in an attempt to survive the flames--so batten down the hatches lama--january might singe the wingtips just a bit, but keep it in perspective--would you rather be back in december drowning in poseidon's flood?
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Now playing: Ben E. King - Stand by Me
via FoxyTunes

gills would be good here...

i'm at a little bit of a loss for words lately. i'm not sure if this means i'm not thinking, or if i'm just not paying attention to my own thoughts and feelings. or allowing for the fact that so much thinking actually masks the much deeper feeling that needs space to occur. there is just a tiny bit of that that is true. for 3 or 4 months in there all i did was think, think, think and it was a refreshing change to just turn off paying attention to those thoughts altogether.

however, i'm not exactly sure how to balance the whole turn off all thoughts thing, with being concious of my own self--not numbing to my own life. and it seems that there is some numbing lately. or at least i'm going to interpret last night's dream as such. for those of you that don't know me, and many of you don't i am going to let you in on a little secret about me; i have a strange and abiding fear of water deaths. i wouldn't call it a phobia or anything like that because i totally love swimming and the ocean and even the bathtub, but the whole drowning thing gets some weird airtime for me. to avoid this fear or the thought of it, i tend to stay away from stories or movies with similar themes. to this date, i still havent' seen titanic, however i did see the original Posiedon Adventure with shelly winters when i was sort of a young kid--and i think this is where some of the water wierdness stems from.

so circling back to my point and the whole numbness thing, i had a dream last night that i was on the ship poseidon, or one very similar to it and i kept reliving over and over the actual overturn of the ship, and the water crashing in, and bodies falling to the ceiling of the ballroom, and at some point in that dream i became aware it was a dream and actually one of my worst nightmares. then i became aware i wasn't exactly scared, i was really more or less just noticing the details of what was happening, how if i payed very careful attention i could will the details to change, like i didn't crash to the ceiling, instead i grabbed one of the bolted down tables and from there swung myself out of the ballroom. the next time around i made it out onto the deck, funny how the deck was right side-up and i jumped onto some sort of watercraft nearby.

turns out we weren't all that far from shore and i did some stone hopping onto land...hmmmm--so what's that all about--this whole underwater death and drowning, reliving the moments, and finally becoming lucid enough to recognize my own power in the situation.
( some sort of wake-up call from the numbness?) a somewhat reflective position from the lessons life is bringing me right now. i get sort of freaked out and drowning, and i relive that a few thousand times, then i lift my head only to realize the shore is within swimming distance.

hallelujah for the shore!!!! you know what i mean??? sometimes it feels like if i'm not absolutely drowning, then my treading muscles are pushed to their absolute limit and i will go under at any moment. i do crave the moments when my feet touch the muddy underwater ground and my head is still above the surface.

My christmas season has had some nice "head-above-water" moments; spirit and connection have been the rule rather than the exception. i am awed by the goodness in people, i am touched by their vulnerability, i am blown away by their gifts, i am challenged to do, be and give more of these things of myself. i am so grateful that life shows up to beckon me exactly down that path--even when the water gets deep, that's when becoming an underwater breathing superhero gains in relevance:)

so get your fins on gang, the water (while a little bit choppy at times) is exactly what the doctor ordered to get his patients out of the kiddy pool!


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Now playing: Duncan Sheik - Barely Breathing (acoustic)
via FoxyTunes

Life by the Drop

At what point in my life did I switch from being the one who sought my thrills in adventure to the one who sought my thrills in the stillness? This isn’t to say that I don’t want to be involved in amazing adventures, doing amazing exciting things; because I do, but these are not the things that I actively seek to fulfill my heart.

So what do I seek? At this moment I’m sitting looking out at the atlantic ocean, a gorgeous breeze cooling my oh so foolishly sunburned legs and listening to my friends talk about how they are so energized by building their network marketing business. We have just spent the last week volunteering in the slums of rio, connecting, working with people who live in the hardest and most desperate of conditions. One evening we sat talking with a group of young men, they have lived the hardest of lives, their career paths are a choice between drug dealer or dirty cop—they have never even known the concept of choosing to do something one loves—perhaps they don’t even have the smallest idea of what they love, their biggest dreams are somehow focused around sleeping a full night in their own bed, with no bedbugs eating away at their skins, while the sound of gunfire outside the thin walls serenade them into a false sense of security for the moment .

By a sort of blessed grace, this group has been swept out of the favela. Living together in a home outside the slum sponsored by the nonprofit we were volunteering for. One of them, Sidney, spoke of his emotional breaking point a few months ago. One night, laying in his cramped and dirty bed, he suddenly felt that if he didn’t find a way to leave the favela immediately he would die—selling drugs, living in the terrible hand-to-mouth existence dangerous drug culture—it was the beginning of the end for him, either the actual end of his physical life—he could actually feel that he would end up dead soon, or that he must end his way of being, the only life he had ever known. He began praying to his god that very night, “please find a way to take me out of this”.

My heart just absolutely jumped out across that room, encircled his beautiful smiling spirit with my own. I felt tears of joy welling up in my eyes as I was overcome with gratitude that he had found a way out of the only life he had ever known, into this new and shining opportunity for a new way. We talked for just a few moments after the group broke up, and with a translator he told me that he was overcome with a feeling of “saudade” for me --if my translation is correct—a feeling of longing and missing for me in his heart. Tears sprang into my eyes as we shared a brief moment knowing that we cared so deeply for someone in the world that we didn’t know at all, but knew entirely at the same time. In my world, I feel hardly old enough to be out of my own childhood, and in his world I am old enough to be the mother that loves him fiercely with all her heart.

These are the moments I seek. They appear in the oddest of ways. Of course this was a huge and obvious one, but they all come wrapped in different packages and I feel so blessed to get still enough to notice them when they appear. The past year for me has been full of very big moments, lots of traveling and larger than life ways of being in the world. And through so much of it I am learning how the exact opposite is the moments in which I find my soul… lying under a cedar tree on a moonless night, quietly hearing more than seeing the family of deer steal by on their way to slumber; listening to the visions in my mind long enough to see the story that unfolds and sharing it outloud; stepping into a kitchen full of the smells of love being simmered on the stove and spread out as a feast before the family…

So is the adventure the trade-off? It’s not that I am called to abandon the glorious pursuit; it’s just that somehow the inner adventure of the soul now is a stronger and more glorious call. For this I have felt my own “saudade” so many times—and now joyously breathe in the blessed moments of soul adventures as they fill my moments and my soul.

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Now playing: Stevie Ray Vaughn - Life By The Drop
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