Sunday, October 24, 2010

6 Degrees of Indra's Net

     Sometimes i think if i were a composer and notes were words it might be easier to sit at the piano to write my thoughts; I would just be the music inside pouring onto the page.  With that in mind' i sing this little tune...

It's been hard to write this month; the music is a little dissonant and i feel sort of in the "thick of the trees", but it's in the writing that the song streams again and i get a better view of the "forest". Life never ceases to amaze me with how intricately its purposes weave through all our many connections.  How the 6 degrees of separation between one person i know and another are not just accidental degrees and when Indra's net of connectivity reveals how much we each are a part of the ONE.  the line in the pattern of the weave that connects me from one to another always tempts me to pick through the intricate design;
how the melody flows from one person to another; one experience to the next; always building on those chords and making the refrain that much more sweet?
This week I went to an earthshaking, heart-beating, drumming, healing night of greatness.  The drummer who began our beat, Toby Christensen (introduced to me by a friend from home), told the group of his own learning in a time spent travelling and exploring his gift with a woman from the West African Dagara tribe.  The further he got into his story, rhythms and beats i realized he was speaking of one of my dearest teachers in 9 Gates Mystery School.

Sobonfu Some 

As Toby began our night of drumming, i set my intention for a rhythmic prayer of healing and with this layer of meaning and relationship i joined in the soul-clarifying work of the drum for myself and so many in my circle-- lessons i recognized from my own study with Sobonfu.

This night of drumming stands out as a pivotal moment between the struggle for understanding i have felt in the past few weeks and the guidance this struggle gives as i prepare to return for another journey in my mystery school training.

in preparation for this journey, I've been clearing through the pressing work on my desk.  this week marked the beginning of our year end campaign for donations, and i began a series of personal calls with major donors.  my deepest desire in these connections is to create a bridge between the heartgiving, passion building spaces of my donors to the needs and deep openings of my programs and their participants--a way to invite their own hearts' song by connecting through spirit and giving.  even as i write this part i start to laugh because the day i sat down to make these calls i lost my voice.  along with a strong cold that i have this week, came pretty intense laryngitis and i wasn't able to make a single call.  So i started writing e-mails, opening deeply to spirit and the words i felt guided to write to these donors.  really simple e-mails, but at the end of a few days of this process i realized what a strong gift the power this listening provides.  when in full voice, i typically find myself ready with some seemingly brilliant thought to share or guidance to offer...and through this week learned, on a much more present and demanding note, the power of listening intently with my heart and getting out of the thinking space of my brain.(a brain/ego set upon producing a clever bit of info or string of words)

Now as i sense the beat calling in the "tribe" of 9 gates--those souls who still unknown to eachother are already members of a deeply heart-bound tribe--i feel so blessed for the very real lesson of listening.  Returning with the intention of service i am so grateful to learn yet again how to get out of the way of old physical patterns which demand attention for the conversational brilliance of an egoic chatterbox, and opening to a deeper space of listening; opening to the opportunity of being of service, answering a request of need, recognizing the wisdom of spirit as it calls for what it needs and i make myself available to answer that call--truly both for myself and others.

Ah the space here of a sounding board, where words truly do become a rythmic song and all the coincidental and synchronistic moments of learning reveal their melodic weave.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Gifts of the Desert

I feel quite certain Edward Abbey said something moving and brilliant about the gifts the desert freely gives; perhaps something like
how the sun and carrion scour our bones exposing a story our ivory is there to tell,
or maybe
the lavender hued shadows at dusk tempt us to look with the vision of owl, bat or mischievous coyote into the mystery where no sun's light casts our story into obvious relief. 
I invite you to seek out your favorite quote about these gifts(or write your own) and insert it here in your thoughts...(feel free to share if you are so inclined) for only you know exactly what mood and gift this moment asks to share with you.

this morning as i cleaned through a stack of papers in my room that clamor from somewhere deep within their pile "herein lies all the wisdom, all the answers, don't cast us away", but i'm never quite sure what to do with--i found the following birthday gift emerging to be heard and read and held, and it felt the perfect way to honor the turning of the season from birthday to autumn, from introspection to pruning and preparing for hibernation whence seeds germinated begin their coiling stretch in DNA code long since buried that ignites us all--and so i share it with you in joyful celebration of its expression.

from tessa at my birthday
Desert sun, radiant watch
the eye amidst the grass.
Stretching forth, the gnarled branch.
It holds the last rich seed.
An ancient crane, its song a sacred melody to the woman's bone.
The shadow of the red cliffs cradles,
ever holding, ever strength.
And high above, 
sent from the wind, 
a silhouette that calls you round.
A message from yourself.
You've seen its face and feel the stone.
The Place.

--in reaction,
a heart filled with tearful blessedness,
hearing the crane's cry, seeing the woman's bone
cradled deeply in red cliff's shadow
a message from self--this shadow stalks me,
warrior, shaman, sage
silhouette ever with me, silently willing and waiting to be heard
i am blessed and grateful indeed.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Co-creators all!

'WTF'..she asks herself when waking with the craziest migraine that ever snuck up on a sleepy sunday morning!

moments of wondering what the hell my spirit is up to--i think every now and then it steps up to test the things i say to see if i really mean what i am asking in

"Allow myself to introduce myself"
1.  loving the hiking thing and having the most recurring hamstring tightness ever
2.  experiencing an incredible new lightness of being and hitting the top of the scales
3.  embracing the challenge and thrill of offering spiritual guidance and releasing my own attachment to having any clue how to guide myownself
4.  opening my heart to deeper loving and feeling dark moments of pure alone
5.  reveling in the self-discovery that writing brings and complete stream of consciousness writer's block
(i think there are many, many more of these i could identify, but it feels like empowering the grip of the self in me that laughably believes it is in charge of figuring things out)

so here it is for today, life isn't what i make of it...i sum it up into all these neat little boxes all the time, simple ways my brain can analyze and synthesize just what is happening in my world.  but if my world were up to the very finite reaches of my own brain, my life would be limited indeed.  so the true beauty here of all the hard stops and face-plants is learning to trust the amazing co-creator i am with the universe and know that as i call a way of being into my world, the very things to help me get that are what shows up.

here is the gift of this moment of awareness
there is an eye(I) within that does not require visual confirmation, it yields and flows as harmonics emerge.  there is no struggle for clarity and making sense--these are true functions of a limited vision; rather there is a Self that resonates in the equilibrium of the Soul awakening to its own return.
It is within the I(eye) of this hurricane that the deepest stillness resides.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


I'm a virgo baby and it's my birthday this month.  many years ago i adopted the practice of advertising my birthday to be exactly sure that friends and family had enough advance notice to celebrate me according to the many hints and requests i had given them.  This advance notice has truly evolved for me and it feels like it has become more of a huge set of bookends set around the month of September in which i insert as many intentional celebrations, introspections, retreats and dancefests/singalongs necessary to assure that , from the inside, i am able to celebrate my own life, know what it is that i even care about celebrating.  But this month has been a little different than past birthdays, and i am reflecting in what feels like a very different way this year.

Having just spent the month of August out of the country, out of my day-to-day life, focusing on spiritual practice and intentional open-hearted interaction, i have found myself feeling a little nonplussed this month because it feels like much of the birthday work i would normally do for the year was really taken care of last month.  And what i find myself in the middle of now is truly new territory that i both love and fear at the same time.  i find that i have enough awareness and caring for myself that i treasure the learning from my recent travels and hardships and embrace their value in my current days.  i.e.  after 30 days of being the most open-hearted, least reactionary and willing to take nothing personal person i have ever been while living abroad, i find that i am truly challenged with the notion of bringing this home and incorporating it into my daily world.  i also find that with the open heart came this willingness to risk in a way that hasn't been around for a long time...or at least that is what came home with me and started out the month.  Now i feel just a wee bit fearful because i notice old habits and protections slipping back in that i am no longer fond of.

So i am set with a Birthday Challenge of holding truer, examining more deeply, embracing more authentically this person of becoming and i'm afraid.  i don't know how to be a new me, i certainly don't know how to stay the old me and survive the inner fury.  But even more than surviving such a fury, i truly choose to step into this void, leap with abandon.  i find instead that i step with caution, tight hamstrings, puffy ankles and toes in need of a pedicure--and yet step i do--thanks to the many who have contributed to my general discomfort that i choose gratefully the risky leap rather than sticking with what i already know.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Pump up the Jam

SENSE   since when does greater awareness bring shortness of breath?  am i foolishly under the illusion that i have any sort of awareness about anything?  sometimes ebb and flow is full of a helluva lot of ebb.  integration can mean that the new way really wants to upset my apple cart...and then here i sit with a bunch of bruised apples by the side of the road. 

SENSIBILITY   note to self -- even when i am on some level aware that my shadow is shifting, a new light is casting its gaze on me, and my ego is learning to relinquish its range of control over so many aspects of my life--simple does not mean easy.  right here is where i must remember to BREATHE.   (oh yah, that god CPR thing might be kickin' in right about now)  so don't mind the omnipotent beating on your chest when it feels like your heart might break right else to 'improve the rhythm' than to inject a little baseline.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

holy hot damn batman

and with the blink of an eye, what seemed so real, something to worry over, that brought great stress and anxiety is complete.  with the support of many unseen angels and the loving kindness of so many old and new friends what held all the mystic writing of a true nervous breakdown has been a gift of extremes...learning, hardship, stretching, friendship and eye-openers.  as i sit late at night under the full brazilian moon, with what appear to be 2 of the world's puffiest ankles attached to my legs--i recognize the mixed blessings of so many things.  my heart is full in awesome wonder at how the world yet again, shows up to be my safety net.  nice catch batman! y grace a deus:)

Saturday, August 14, 2010


my neck does not quite have strong enough muscles to keep my head on straight from all the flip-flopping my little spirit has been doing this week.  thank heavens, literally, for the jumping in on so many moments of bits of blessing that intercede on my behalf.  as i progress in learning i get more and more convinced that i have built a pretty crazy ego in this lifetime.  there are all sorts of hoops i have set up over the years that i ask myself to jump through just to feel like everything is ok in my world.
where did these crazy notions come from?
now i find that it is only through tighter constraints with even bigger expanses available on the other side that i begin to clearly recognize how joyful it is to let go of ego altogether.  when that deathgrip of control finally gets so exhausted, worn out through all its incredibly silly machinations of apparent perfection, the moments of grace do this little snoopy dance of glee and start to slip in at the edges.  i am always loving how joyful synchronicities show up in my life and welcome the signs that they are winding their way toward my prayerful pleas.

Just such a synchronicity showed up in the form of a long-haired, soft-spoken, deep-thinking friend that appeared to be my co-leader this week. when it seemed i would be working on my current group solo and my neck started doing these funny spams of stress-related grips, an unlikely candidate was suggested to me and after a mad dash for a brazilian visa and several marathon phone conversations, here we are together leading this group as an ensemble.  and wow, my eyes are opened at how the learning comes.

"with arms outstretched still..."
turns out this last minute replacement leads ropes courses for inner city youth building life-skills and self-esteem, and with every question he asks, frisbee he tosses, and rope he ties to a tree i wonder at the power of the web to pull such a teacher into my path.  not that he is aware of this at all, or maybe he is...? (how does the saying go..."when the student is ready, the teacher appears")  in his own projects he leads group chats, what i call "Noticings"  he calls "Serendipities"  and they do abound.  for this i am grateful.  As the Angels Have been Called, the drums are beating right along with our hearts and hippie-like co-leaders appear as an answer to prayer.  i suddenly notice the clear, serendipitous gift i have been given and with arms and heart open wide, i reach out to receive this gift with all the magnanimous show of support, love and answer to prayer in which it was given.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Drinking from the Fire Hose

it's just 24 hours before 25 young men and women arrive for their 2 week excursion, i've been at our site for 2 days and what seems like 3 lifetimes since i got off my plane.  i keep having this vision of some kind of reality show where some guy named joe appears atop a high perch and announces loudly-- 
turn on the hydraulic, max-suspension, state-of-the art, smoke 'em if you got 'em FIRE HOSE.  
Whoa nelly, and i think somewhere deep down inside...did i shave my legs for this????
  Before y'all get too nervous or worried for my actual sanity or anything like that...let me start (well start now) by saying, i think i'm all the words of the Monty Python Players..."i'm not dead yet".  i have to say in the past 2 days and 3 lifetimes i have thought many many times that if this were a year ago i might not be able to handle all this shit!!!  and now, today--it really doesn't even smell like shit.  wow, life has handed me a completely new service project, a coordinator who missed his flight and won't be here early to prepare, several in-country employees who suddenly don't work here anymore and a lot of possible drama about the how's and why's of that, two women who are my absolute heart connections that i will be eternally grateful for becoming their friends who can't welcome me into their home because of possible family trouble....these are just the highlights...and with every new rock that gets overturned i do this sort of i drowning yet test, when i realize i can still breath, i take a deep one and keep paddling.

funny thing here--i've got muscles i never knew i had...muscles of expansion and contraction, of living in some serious ebb and then finally stretching for the flow that are now flexing their apparent JIEnormous selves.  or it may be what they say about an adreniline rush...when stress hits in the biggest of way, our hormones kick in to help us cope.

so here's the gratitude...i don't feel stressed.  hmmm, lemme check, no, not yet anyway (and i don't want to jinx myself because i've got some big weeks ahead of me) this brand new muscle i've discovered, i'll call it the River Breather, nestled right between the lungs --adjacent to the diaphragm, this one has been building for nigh on many months now.   the gratitude comes from the recognition of the tiny and persistent moments when holding the breath teaches the River Breather to build a bigger capacity, when screaming at the top of my lungs teaches the River Breather how to call in all angels and guides possible for assistance, how praying with all of my heart teaches the River Breather that there is absolutely nothing it can do--powerless to aid me at all, it stops breathing altogether to allow the true higher power of all i surrender my ego and will to , to step in and administer CPR ....

ahh there it is, now i see it...i thought this was a fire hose and it is godly's all in the perspective isn't it...and last month i was the one PRAYING RAIN wasn't i?  silly wabbit!!!

chime in's the month for you?  is the fecund, fertile and final month of summer summing itself up with any learning for you?

Monday, August 2, 2010

And through it all, a river runs...

Next week i lead a group of 25 kids and young adults on a service mission to Brazil...along with all the powerful lessons of service, loving humanity and opening our hearts to so many who are so different from us...i imagine the opening of a perfect space for self-examination and growth has never been more serendipitously crafted.  While we all indulge our own sense of adventure through service and believe that we are really going to be there to help others, i am constantly recognizing the revealing truth--that the very biggest gifts of learning and growth will be internal, personal and life-changing--for myself included.  As i frantically buzz around completing last minute schedules and work plans, making sure i have put all motions into action that these kids can learn from, i have to laugh and recognize that the exponentially more astute and powerful godly practice of the universe has already called in all the characters, done so much homework and has the greatest possible solution already dialed in--not in a predestination sorta way, but in a do you understand the energetic web i'm weaving sorta way.

In our pre-planning conference calls with the group i often talk about the spirit of the "River", how we can plan and perfect whatever our tiny brains think they have some level of control over, but when we step off the literal and figurative plane of our previous journey, we step into the river--where the flow of spirit embraces, uses, bashes against the rocks and rolls up on the shore right where we are praying to be, whether we see it that way or not.  This thrumming sense is that of the subconscious and the Almighty joining a course of energetic flow as they follow the current of our own design.

As i set out on this fool's journey, I thank you in advance for the echos you share here--your own reflections on the current, i love how that resonance fills my heart with being seen. It seems that the world is in full tilt, and we are all in need of sharing our take on the spin. in my own vertigo spinning, left of center experience i am warmed by hearing the human side of all of your lives.

"when I am alone in the half-light...existence seems to fade to a being with my soul... Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through ." 

Thursday, July 29, 2010

August: an INNER course of action

The warmth of the sun, the composting time for the earth, planting deep roots and ridding ourselves of weeds that spring up unbidden...time to allow thoughts and patterns that no longer serve to be turned under, let the filter of Mother Earth and Sister Moon offer the gift of mulching, ebb and flow, seasonal shift.

Time for a personal inner search this month. I will be in Brazil for the month of August--what better place to observe and swim deep in the RIVER and invite a shift in current. This is a challenge, an urge from within, to meet my soul in the deep underworld of its growth and emerge into the sun with the piece of spirit that is calling to be heard.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Time to PRAY RAIN people

"and there it is...just like that...superpower of the day--the power to  pray--check in with spirit, sense what my own heart is calling for and  resonate in that zone for a few minutes.  it can't show up unless it  knows i want it right? so unless i spend some energy calling it in,  sensing what it feels like, how i feel doing it--even when i don't know  what "it" is right now"  as i stated  A  few weeks ago.

Well let me say how much it seems i learn this one over and over; be really clear about the things i say or way i resonate my sense of being in prayer because, boy oh boy does it come on through when i ask for it.  And i have been "askin for it" for weeks now.  Stuff has been showing up left and right, begging the this what you wanted, how about this,  ok how about this now, and this one, let's try this bit on for size.  the universe hasn't been kidding around bringing me so many "answers to prayer" for me to try on that i haven't felt settled for ages.  But this other message--not the frenetic, chaotic one that tests me lately--but a glimpse into the space of connection, creating a unity and wholeness of spirit has appeared in my inbox (LITERALLY) and i want to share this bit here as well...

       "The deeply shifting intention on the planet Earth is creating an atmosphere of "perceived" chaos – Yes, the financial structures are failing, however, is that really what you are trying to protect here? Structures that have been set into place over time under misguided intention of "more is better". The Earth's core is shifting, creating quaking which results in volcanoes, earthquakes, unusual weather patterns and interactions, however it is like She is waking up after a sleep of nightmarish proportion. The greed of humanity, letting love and pure intention fall behind in value, has created the need to stretch and shake off the copasetic, passive pose of "whatever".
         The analogy – actually not analogy – the Truth of being transmitters is key. Plant your feet firmly on the ground and with intention – arms raised or not – transmit the Earth's needs into the air. Let her release through you as a loving conduit. In the same way, you will be transmitting to her the Universe's reply to her pleas. This two-way "radio" communication being conducted by living, breathing, loving energy is healing for both the distressed sender and the return broadcast from abroad – and we mean abroad in a very, very, expansive way Dear One.

         This role cannot be underestimated. There need be no interpretation of the message either way – there is no "code" to break. Pure intention, child-like joy-filled peace and harmony resonation is the most effective non-filter for this work. Out of mind and through the sacred heart. This is "our" task at hand now."

And so i take my stand--deeply connecting to the filtering, cleansing, magnifying power of mother earth;(this is more than just a "be the ball" visualization, it is the pure practice of actually feeling the sweet flow of the river of manifesting as it becomes what i am in the now--much like the naugal wise man who didn't pray FOR rain, he just prayed rain, sensing, gushing feeling being rain, until it actually did.)
Transmitting my own prayer with a consciousness i haven't been this keenly aware of until now.  Gotta love it when a message in your inbox states it that easily right?  can't ask for a more clear delivery of intent than that!:)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Warrior's Lament or With Arms Outstretched Wide

A few years ago I participated in a 7 day personal vision quest with a group of about 10 people. Three full days and nights of the quest were solo and fasting in the wilderness.The pre and post days were spent in preparation and follow-up with the group in the wilderness as well. I experienced some major personal revelations/visitations during that solo time on the mountain, and my learning and own awareness continues to unfold as time keeps on slipping into the future from those mountaintop moments. A few months back I met with my good friend and facilitator of the visionquest journey--who was interviewing me for his dissertation—a piece on the vision quest experience. I was really curious to hear his observations and asked if i could read it when he was done--so i just got it and read it and here is what came of that...

It’s so funny how shocked I always am by an outsider’s perspective on my own inner journey. I have had several moments sitting on the therapist's couch when I have learned some really surprising bits about myself 
and have felt none too settled as I digested the curious information.

This is how I felt as I read his paper—shocked, surprised, even troubled by the summation he had come to on my personal learning from the journey. Is this really what came across as the most important piece of information I had shared? Could he have possibly been not really listening to what I had to say? Is it possible that he came into the interview with so many preconceived notions that he only heard what he wanted to? Well all of this is possible and actually even probable—I’m of the opinion we typically only hear what we want, and only as it relates to us most of the time. However with all those disclaimers being made, I also came to another conclusion that was quite surprising to me...

I had learned something much bigger, more powerful and poignant than any of the conclusions he came to about what I shared, but he could only base his observations on what I told him; He wasn’t up there on the mountain with me; He didn’t stand on the edge of that cliff with me, chest bared, long hair whipping in the wind as I wailed out my own personal lament, crying to the ancestors that surrounded me to ‘come running’ as if from Rumi’s stretcher of angels; 
How could he have known any of these things...
because I didn’t tell him? 
Not only didn’t I tell him, I considered the knowledge, the personal revelation, the intimate experience to be in fact so intimate that I could only reveal it in the verymost intense and 
deeply in touch of moments that few on this plane would ever know it.
So why when I read his observations was I so offended that he hadn’t read it in my essence 
as if from the ethers?  Oh the personal indignation, nostrils flaring, quippy dismissal—I moved effortlessly into fullblown denunciation without much provocation(all with at least a small maintained sense of humor about the whole thing)  that I had to let go even that fact that I had read his paper at all for a period of time.   As I caught my breath, let a few weeks pass, reread the paper a few times—most importantly reviewed, expressed, defined and embraced the big lessons that sit so profoundly on my heart from this experience, I realized that I had fully protected, guarded and strong-armed any intrusion into that space, even from the most well-meaning of inquiries.

And here it is… How else is it possible that others come to know those places in me, other than if I choose to share them?  I am the keyholder and gatekeeper—wow, I get all the power.  But what’s that guardianship worth if there isn’t anyone to share it with?  Realizing all this, I look at some of his observations and the pendulum swings back…maybe he wasn’t entirely off the mark, maybe he was able to come to some conclusions about what I had told him that really did have something to do with what was going on for me…and then a little more breath, allowing, okayness sneaks in.   and so we are both right…there is more to share and more to learn…and just like that,
now the way is made open.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A little night Music, Poetry Monday and Summer Solstice

My mind seems to be a little bit full of the draw of this shortest night of the year and resists the slumber that has typically long since cajoled a dreamscape from my eyes.  Rather tonight it seems i am called to share a bit of my own poetry found on father's day while cleaning out all sorts of nooks and crannies from my own desk.  i came across these few verses scribbled hastily, in terrible handwriting and with no care for perfect meter or rhyme.  they were simply childhood moments, places romantically recalled from a girl's thoughts holding some magical draw for moments lost to all but memory.

and so on this all too magical midsummer's eve i cast my own magic into the cauldron, recalling the potent draw of childhood imagination and dream making, a treasure hunt of place and time out of time!!!
Tin Roof
Springtime's ripeness doesn't last long
One false step could do you wrong
a slippery shaky place to trod
for one who passes here unshod
Don't get no jam between your toes
a respite here will stain your soles.
(as children we would climb on top of the horse shed, just to the base of the mulberry tree and spend delighted hours coaxing  ripened purple berries to fall into our fingers, staining palms and lips and toes with their succulent juices--i wore these stains as a badge of honor rejoicing in the arrival of summertime)
Diving Board
Our childrens' game consisted oft
of flying high, propelled aloft
down pirate's path to murky brine
which now is stiff with broken spine.
(on long hot summer days, we children would spend hours in the swimming pool coming up with elaborate games to pass the time.  rarely did we leave the pool without some imagined game of walking the plank down the diving board whose spring is all but lost and board very near broken)

Treasure Chest
If pirates had been ladies gay
it is certain that with ribbons they would have liked to play
and bows and dresses and shoes and dolls
to masquerade at madmen's balls
(when summer storms threatened our fun, at least the sisters came indoors to continue our games, dress-ups were pulled from the best of piratey-looking treasure chests, where we spun yarns fit for children's tales and grand conjuring indeed)

Monday, June 7, 2010

‘IS IT TRUE’ | soul biographies

there are just perfect moments sometimes when i get to remember that i can throw out the crap my ego tells me if i choose to live it differently.  this is a tiny video by Byron Katie encouraging anyone, including me, to do just that.

‘IS IT TRUE’ | soul biographies

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Poetry Monday--just a day early, that's all

zero circle... helpless, dumbfounded,
   unable to say yes or no.
   then a stretcher will come from grace
        to gather us up.
   we are too dull-eyed to see that beauty.
   if we say we can, we're lying.
   if we say No, we don't see it,
   that No will behead us
  and shut tight our window onto spirit.
   so let us rather not be sure of anything,
   beside ourselves, and only that, so
   miraculous beings come running to help.
   crazed, lying in a zero circle, mute,
   we shall be saying finally,
   with tremendous eloquence, lead us.
   when we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
   we shall be a mighty kindness.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

superpower activate

one time sitting around with a group of friends discussion turned to what super hero power you would take on if you could sister said, she would add a hidden hour to the day that only she could use, thus giving her hidden time to get all the things done she had overcommitted to. what kind of a superpower is that, i ask you? i was just sitting at my desk wishing for an extra hour in the day, but when it gets right down to it, i don't want that to be the special thing about me--that i have enough time to get all my "supposed to's" done. i would much rather step into the starting to check off all the "want to's" for my life..

as i reflect on this day, i spent about 35 minutes so far doing anything i want. i'm not exactly sure how to balance that; i like my job, i like the purpose behind what i do, but do i like the countless meetings about proper verbage for donor reciprocity, or the weighty stacks of powerpoints on my desk informing one group or another about something very important? i can't say that i have much affinity for these things. so where does the balance come in? how do i incorporate more of what i want into my everyday? is it by jealously guarding a hidden hour to secretly fill with my precious chosen moments? i don't think fact, there probably is no amount of thinking that will resolve this is a certain amount of doing and being that starts the ball rolling. what is that superpower? how do i get more of that flowing in my life? if i can't even articulate the superpower, how do i get the day to day power that coincides? is there a specifice forum where i can get these questions answered...

and there it is...just like that...superpower of the day--the power to pray--check in with spirit, sense what my own heart is calling for and resonate in that zone for a few minutes. it can't show up unless it knows i want it right? so unless i spend some energy calling it in, sensing what it feels like, how i feel doing it--even when i don't know what "it" is right now

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Hand to Heart

in the spiritual tradition i grew up in, we had a common practice of "raising our hand to the square" to signify our agreement from the congregation.  We also learned of using the same sign to stand in strength of spirit when or if the need ever arose to call on the support and strength of unseen guidance and protection.

In the classroom we did the same to vote for a common goal, or elect someone to office--and we held our hand to our heart to pledge allegiance.  I watched many of our olympians this year choose not to raise hand to heart--was that a conscious thing?  I wonder how one can strive for excellence in such a powerful way and not feel overwhelming gratitude and allegiance to a way of being from a country that allowed, encouraged, honored that pursuit?  How is it possible not to be aware of how clearly the physical signs and symbols we revere and honor support us on our own path?

i suppose i should ask that question only for myself, and so i rephrase... 
i ask that my eyes and spirit be constantly awakened and enriched by the signs and symbols whose deeper meaning always guide my path?

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." 
Antoine De Saint Exupery

this quote has appeared from all directions for me recently--and i was shocked to find it emerge in the mandala i have been pouring onto the page below.  i have been on a journey with a circle of friends--examining my own vows of conscious living.  without having any clue what it was my innards wanted to make outer, i drew this mandala while meditating on my own purity of heart, and while the art part of it lept in light out from the surface of the paper, the clarity of this symbol only now has begun to ring so clear for my own path.  This palm is raised to the square, baring heart fully in a mudra of pure love.

"cultivating purity of must have a desire to see with transparent eyes, to have no judgement about, desires for, or emotional aversions.  Purity of heart reveals a maskless self, and tremendous personal awareness" 
Deborah Jones

As the color, emotion and energy flow into the light of this circle, the heart appears deep within the iris of this eye--the eye which sees through the heart, does not need nor desire the masks the physical eye relays, but gratefully acknowledges the deep beauty only visible from the stand of heart wide open.

It is from this place that i choose to witness my own self and my tribe, of which you all are a part.
                                        AHO MITAKUYE OYASIN

Monday, March 8, 2010

Poetry Mondays--The Song of the Wandering Aengus

Following whimsy and subject to spontaneity like i am--i declare today  "POETRY MONDAY".  this yeats poem keeps turning up like shiny new dime to be reconsidered and examined. with gaze intrigued, i discover the power of a celtic and druidic return to mystic images unfolding and revealing itself to me in these words.  funny how we experience things on one level, and they become brand new when our eyes are opened on a new level of awareness.
i am grateful for a conscious look at all the symbols that are offering their wisdom to those who seek.

what images are revealed to you?

The Song of Wandering Aengus
By William Butler Yeats

I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;
And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.

When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire aflame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.

Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.

To Consider: Love and its thousand transformations, and the pursuit of the Beloved, that holy one who calls me by my name. Over and over again.

Monday, February 15, 2010


This is my very first "guest blogger" --  if you will.  I couldn't not share these words with just a few more people. and in the same moment celebrate how we all express our own senses, connection, yearning and knowing.

This is a poem by one of my friend's children (pictured below) .  what hope and vision i see for a world inspired by the spirit of child like this.  
BY: Connor Martindale.

I am a wonderer seeking for my freedom.
I wonder about the animals in desperate need.
I hear roaches croaking at me.
I see the fireflies flying around me
I want to be a believer.
I am a wonderer seeking for my freedom.
I pretend I’m in world war 2.
I feel blood pouring out of me.
I touch the nurse as I’m in desperate need.
I worry that I’m going to die.
I cry as I see that I’m a survivor.
I am a wonderer seeking for my freedom.
I understand that I will die someday.
I say I’m happy.
I dream about my past life.
I try to be a good man.
I hope that I’m right.
I am a wonderer seeking for my freedom.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Now i lay me Down to Sleep

So a little while back i did this pretty powerful ritual with a group i was working with and it called for writing a prayer to my own higher self; or even the powerful spirit and ethos of the caring universe.  I scribbled a version of it into my journal and only just pulled it out tonight--this has been a pretty tough few weeks of temperature check for myself--You know, the whole, "who am i, what am i doing here" business that sparks a bit of energy every once-in-a while.

so as i sat quite still and read these words i felt so grateful to a higher self that helped me to write these words down a while back, knowing this would be just what i was yearning to hear from someone with the vision to know...

ma cher petite lama,
Be gentle on yourself as you rise in the oven, don't get overly anxious or make any sudden moves; i didn't let the eggs sit out all day, bringing them to room temperature just so you could make a scramble out of my souffle. The oven really does have to be that hot or the air won't create the space and you won't rise like you need to, all those perfect air bubbles in the mix are evidence that the chef was trained in only the best of kitchens.  The Refiner's fire never was meant to leave the silver full of dross ya know.  i even broke my blade while chopping the ironwood for the fire and had to go back to the forge to make a new one--always a sign of strong portence--to be sure.

and not to worry, the crack in the bowl is from when dog and goddess rushed into the kitchen so excited they were back in time to add the bergamot and ginger they gathered just for you.  that crack allows for just the right amount of steam to escape when the pressure is so intense and cannot be contained, and all that steam makes for such a good crust on the outer layers.  The spices are called for in an amazing recipe my mother taught us (madre de dios, she does have quite a good sense of mirth) they prepare the senses for so many opportunities to taste the flavor of life--i can't wait to savor those moments with you.

it's not long now--you'll know when you are ready--just go ahead and join the hosts of heaven in the dining hall--we have a feast layed in your honor..


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Evolution of Right Speech

I'm not sure what these 4 images mean...they are something i drew illuminating my own journey of using my voice in right speech.  I have found there is much i have to share that remains unshared, much to voice that is unheard.  i invite my spirit and voice to sound out the heartwrenching tone of my soul--whether this song is sung on key or not, it is a note that is called to join the throng, and without it, the cosmos would not be complete.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

solar eclipse tonight--ceremony anyone? at 11:11pm PST

Tonight's a beautiful night to hold ceremony welcoming in the sun energy of creating the new in your own world.   With the new year full moon and blue moon we had the illuminating chance to create movement, closure, send blessings and hold ceremony for all that was transitioning in our lives.   Now with the solar eclipse we are invited to ignite, catalyze and spur the new that 2010 will bring. 

as we move closer to 2012, shamanic lore tells us that our energetic shifts are sped up to 20 day cycles for what we used to cycle through in a year.  be gentle with yourself during this time, be on purpose, invite the change you are looking for in your life--don't let it come up as if "by accident".  now is the time to awaken to the call of your unique and glorious path and be on purpose in the world.

inHarmony astrology: solar eclipse in capricorn 1/14/10 at 11:11pm PST