Friday, January 30, 2009

rest in motion


change of venue

change of weather

change of body positions

different or any music

it's been a long few weeks of hard work, and i really haven't had much time for doing the personal, meaningful stuff we all crave. i'm noticing some things though that are making me really happy about my life. i started working at my current job, a start-up non-profit in march of last year. when i began, my boss said we would start with 20 hours a week, she and i the only two employees, and then see where we needed to grow. i worked 20 hours just that first week and haven't worked less than 40 since then, and usually more like 50-60. (one excrutiating week at 97.5 hours, but now i'm just begging for sympathy.)

i give you all this information because i am recognizing some great things about my own comfort level with all of this busyness and work this year. it has been hard and challenging, but i have actually quite thouroughly enjoyed it! this is so different for me. even when i am doing work i love, my need for down time, introspection and processing has always been pretty extreme and i have always looked for ways to include activities of solitude and peace throughout my weeks. those activities are few and far between for me these days and i am recognizing the fact that, for me, it's o.k. not to have perfectly blocked out "inner-work" time. it's o.k. to count a 10 minute bath as both daily hygiene and meditation; a cup of coffee with the paper counts as a "ritual" for the day that calms the inner beast.

i like it, and i'm so grateful--in our world of constant go, go, go, i am the first person to urge people and myself to always plan a few minutes for ourselves. But i am loving the fact that the distinct nature of these moments is loosening and expanding for me. the firm lines between in motion and at rest are blurring and here's the thing...
rest in motion is a great place to find solace. rather than believing the only way to leave behind the worries of a work-a-day world is to actually leave it behind, i am finding that i can "leave it behind" if i consciously choose to do so in anything i'm doing. a drive to the bank becomes a chance to pound out my favorite rock anthem, taking the stairs at work evolves into a rythmic way to focus on my own heartbeat, and writing in the hotel lobby while waiting for a meeting clears the cobwebs from my introspective brain.

Now playing: Cake - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Oh say what is truth...

thanks and blessings to the many and few who contacted me concerned for my immediate life longevity. it gave me an even further chance to reflect and refine the depth of emotion i went through last week. let me say this again--it's been a while...this is one of the places where i seriously rant, vent and express. in the very moment--my feelings, thoughts, expressions are all true, but what is truth.

a filmaker i know is working on a little short of byron katie this week and was wondering how he would characterize her at all. while i am eager to see what he comes up with, his statement of what he would actually have to say about her, made me reflect on my own self, and what is actually true. in the moment i wrote my last blog, i never felt it or knew it more strongly than at that moment. what an end of the world feeling.

this week is completely different. i'm so much more willing to be in my moments, expect good things and am actually finding that to be true. once again a reminder of how life moves in ebb and flow, and where i'm standing in the tide makes all the difference on how i experience the truth.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

out of the frying pan--like a phoenix

what an absolute shitstorm of emotion and depth-plunging this week has been!!!! just before the new year i attended a little workshop about the phoenix, the idea being to get really clear for the new year about what things i would like to be consumed by the fire of the past to ignite the intentions for the new year. i came away with a great sense of purpose and the beginnings of some great clarity for 2009. there is so much i want to do and be this year and i'm so excited to be in the middle of that.

my excitement got the better of me and the hailstorm of energy i brewed up with all my clear intentions and new year's goals has ridden over me this week with the force of the mythical twelve horsemen. (i don't even know that myth, or if it is 12, but the reference sounds perfect here doesn't it?--feel free to submit the appropriate mythical reference if you know it better than i) my phoenix day of creation took place on the new moon in december, and last night--the night of the world's hugest full moon--with 2 rainbows encirlcling it, my new year hit it's biggest bang of new beginning energy--tearing my foundations out by the roots, pulling tears from eyes in torrential floods, sobs from my heart with bone-breaking strength and , quelquefois, stoic stillness that would break the heart of any stone giant.

how does a little lama survive the pain and passion of this creation? one of my godsent and supportive sisters refused to take --"back the fuck-off" for an answer and continued to text me during this storm asking how she could possibly help and support me. i don't know how i can possibly help myself, how can i move from the old, into the new without completely breaking appart--so i didn't have any answer for her. however, somewhere from the eye of the storm and within the madness of knowing there had to be a way to get out of the hurricane--i felt a tiny, little answer from within..."it is time to batten down the hatches my darling". this is not the most comforting of answers i have ever received mind you. i was looking for something along the lines of..."this too shall pass", "go to such and such address and ask for guru so and so, while balancing on one foot and staring into the wind all your problems will be solved" or "three days more and you will be perfect" these are answers that might make it o.k. for me to batten down my hatches and sit tight during this storm--but just the thought of weathering the storm without the comfort of perfection on the other end did not feel like meat enough for me to sink my teeth into.

yet--something on the inside is responding, warming to the idea, relaxing into the space just a tiny bit. Now the next thing i'm going to say is making me laugh even to think about it--a welcome change of mood certainly--so if a little upcurling sneaks to outer edges of your lips on this one, then indulge with complete abandon...odly--a 1980'S rockin' superballad comes to mind..."i'm holding out for a hero" ... skipping all the obvious and mundane ideas that i am waiting for some superhero to sweep me off my feet and rescue me from the darkness within i offer the following video for indulgence, reference, mood-changing and musical power to change energy when words alone won't do...

all that being said--here's today's bottom line... i was the one who called in all sorts of change of epic proportions, i'm the one who lay down on the symbollic bed when i could clearly see the damn thing was burning out of control, i jumped on the back of the phoenix in an attempt to survive the flames--so batten down the hatches lama--january might singe the wingtips just a bit, but keep it in perspective--would you rather be back in december drowning in poseidon's flood?
Now playing: Ben E. King - Stand by Me
via FoxyTunes