A 'Stalk' on The Wild Side...

A 'Stalk' on The Wild Side...

Seek, Explore, Unleash the Wise One in You

 Are you ready to get all powerful and native

to GO FORTH  and be a
 FORCE OF THE AWSOME?

 Life is too short to do it any other way!

Can you remember being that kid on the roof up there with your red cape flying?  I mean it, remember being a kid and making a game out of hunting down the biggest, baddest adventures and mysteries on the block?  I can remember getting all outfitted up and setting out in the neighborhood to peek into all the scariest places i knew about...I would wait with my best friend in the whole world at the edge of the golfcourse until no carts were in sight...and then dash onto the field and into the sprinklers to get completely wet and cooled from the intense summer heat;  i stealthily followed my older brother around on his own adventure route, who had threatened life and limb if i did,  from a very safe distance and watch him catch lizards--wishing for the day when i would be fast enough to catch my own; i would even sneak into the huge unlandscaped backyard at the end of the block--where i was pretty sure a single dad lived who had most likely eaten all his children--to kick up storms of powdery white sand--pretending i was a giant walking on clouds.  The adventures of the wildchild--daily slips into imaginary realms, yearnings for moments of heightened awareness--we all were born with this. Somehow the gift our spirit enters this world with is an inner youthful one willing to explore, approach our most profound moments with stealth and attention, focus for extended periods of time on the things we were most afraid of, but that promised thrills beyond imagination.

And then our wildchild meets maturity..welcome to adultville, land of commonsense and avoiding doing anything scary at all.

What happened to that wild being inside of us that knew the worth of getting very still in the darkest corner just to have a chance to see Santa go by? Where did the little one disappear to who knew somewhere deep inside the only way to spot a fairy was to slip effortlessly and silently through the dappled light and shadows along the forest trail?

How about a little epic awesome! How about stepping back into moments of anything is possible when i walk the edge of shadow and light, use all my wild jungle hunter skills to stalk the place where i pass through fear and discover the light?  This is the exact notion of Stalking Our Wild Side, where our ageless selves have the power to unearth the 'danger zone' in the light of day. 

How about this?

Rather than never attempting to observe what exists in the darkest places for ourselves, to recognize that on the other side of fear exists the next level of our greatest high; how about getting fully outfitted into the best cape and boots ever and leap into that adventure?

It's pretty epic to consider that all i might need to get to awesome is the right cape and boots! 

Tools, timing, stealthy stalker instincts...
How about somma that to bring on the Epic Shit!

   SHAZAM!   (and all those other superhero secret passwords)
 Let the Epic Begin!

Practice does not require perfect

If the information is new to you, i have been on a new year's quest for the past few weeks...a quest to go without...No plan to make any goals, resolutions and i am actually even shying sort of clear of intentions. 

Shocking, unheard of, degenerate...you say? 

this could lead to the downfall of society...
So the two weeks are at an end, and i am sort of resisting going back to doing things any other way.  i guess i am really loving this whole space in between where no need to categorize or assess my world exists; only a true desire to be actively engaged in the moment i'm in.
here's what i've learned during this experiment...i didn't really sit around on my duff and eat bon bons, in fact i decided to start a sugar cleanse.  that's right, you read me right...during my season of in between. i started a new eating plan.  "how does that work"?  you might ask....and i'll tell you.  it's perfectly awesome to take on things i want to do during this time, i just do it without the whole notion that i have a goal to lose a million pounds, earn a million dollars and sell a million copies of a brilliant new bestseller. There is no need to constellate my plan with judgement or assesment, just energize it with action.  i did the sugar thing because it feels like it gets in the way of my physical happiness.  in all of my stillness and noticing, i recognized some moments where sugar seemed to feed my sense of less than well-being.  so i chose to notice myself going without sugar for a bit.

i've spent 6 days so far in that part of the experiement, and on one of them i cheated.  that bummed me out, but mostly because i noticed an immediate emotional shift into negatory good buddie!  i don't really love that zone anymore, so today, i shifted back to wanting what it feels like in the sugar free zone.

next, i started making some behind the scenes approaches towards building my own website, making the contacts i need, considering what content is relevant, what i might have to share in such a formal way that is worth putting out there.  "what the freak!!!" you say, "how the hell is that not making any resolutions? this chick is a total bait and switch master!"  no, no, no, here's the deal, it hasn't felt necessary to make a goal that i have a live website by a certain date, with a certain amount of relevant information all live and ready to go.  it has felt relevant that i have some things i wanna do, and some things i wanna say and they are begging to get out...in a more formal and clearly designed way than a catch as catch can blog.  so i can't ignore that a great way to organize those thoughts, and then perhaps even grown them into some awesome workshops and projects that other people can get involved in, is to find a way to go public with.  well whaddya know?  in comes the website.  all of a sudden it feels a little fun and exciting to eek out a few minutes during my week to put some creative thought into that and maybe a few action steps to back it up. 
hmmm, still different from goals, but it feels like a really slippery slope i'm describing doesn't it?

so here's the deal, i'm so far from perfect that i am loving the whole concept of gently, kindly, lovingly letting myself off the hook on that one and putting down that expectation for good.  in return, i am really thrilling in the joy of the PRACTICE of my imperfection.  it is a daily habit i am starting here...noticing all the things in that day that support my total and complete well-being and finding a way to do a bit of that for the day.  i do like that way it feels if i practice that for more than one day in a row, in fact, i am kinda really liking what it feels like to practice on a daily basis...this gets me absolutely nowhere closer to perfection, just a whole lot more actively engaged in living, and i guess that feels pretty good.

Teachers, Travelers, Tricksters and Thieves

ok, i really have written like 3 brilliant blogs in my own mind this past week while driving, really compelling stuff people.  and where is all that brilliance when i sit to write?  is it too much to ask for a voice command recorder in my car when i say something like..."recorder on, blog post activate"?

so since i haven't gotten that technology installed yet in my "starting to show its age around the edges" vehicle, i must go straight to the source and allow what comes up now to be the thing.  and here's the thing, it's about being open to what is...and the beliefs i have about that.  i guess this is sort of a Byron Katie question, but with a broader twist.  what i have been learning the past few weeks is about the way in general i accept circumstances, results, behaviors in my life as if they were the only thing that is true.  I know better than this don't i?

lemme paint a brief picture...Mercury has been in retrograde for that past little bit.  for those of you that question this whole astrological influence thing, that's o.k. you just go on questioning.  But i challenge you to do it while paying attention to what cycles come through your life.  for example, A woman's "moon" cycle rotates every 28 days, the tides as pulled by this gravitational force influence so many aspects of our own lives in their own ebb and flow.  and certainly what happens during Mercury retrograde seems to reveal more and more introspective places of examination and shifting.

In general, Mercury rules all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation and people who use their energy in these areas like; writers, spin doctors,teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves.
And somehow this energy moves into energetic glitches in electronics like phones, cars, computers--something in their operating system seems to go awry.


So why does this seem important to share?
i've found myself all wrapped around my own need to communicate, from just making phone calls in general, to sharing my deepest emotions and feelings in new ways.  and during the past month, while this need in me grows to be more clear, transparent, open to connection and loving, by success at these connections has met with some interesting ripples in the process.  i find myself circling back around to old ways of doing things, wondering why i'm ending up here again, and then realizing that habit is begging to be let go on a whole new level.

Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, 

but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods

is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches. Is this due to our ego-fixation?

I think all that brilliant drive-time self-writing/ talking has been this subconscious beginning of finding a way to iron out the wrinkles.  It may be that some of those wrinkles are just perfect to learn to navigate around, and it may be that when this time of retrograde arises it is an offering.  Opening an energetic space to restructure how we think things "should be", how attached we are to our belief about the way a thing must look.

i like to think that with all these teachers, travelers, tricksters and thieves being triggered, it's no wonder i find my own face in each of these characterizations and that each demands its moment in the sun, with the light of exploration revealing what has been kept in the shadow until that moment.  and so, gentle, gentle, gentle...be kind to self, love what comes up--allow it to be the thing!

Funny how this introspection cycles, see what other Decembers have brought up in me here

serendipity

have i used that one before?
or more aptly asked, has it used me?  the moments in between the arrivals and departures--the tiny bits that happen when waiting for the other shoe to drop-- have quite a way of showing up to teach me such big stuff...i find these synchronistic moments so deeply meaningful that i sometimes end up drinking too much from that cup and not simply tasting what is right in front of me.


This week i departed my full-time "employment" of fundraising and service/learning expedition work to "employ" myself a little closer to home.  i've spent the past three years working for a cause based primarily in Brazil, and while it was so clearly the perfect place for me to be doing my thing during that time, it is so clearly now not!  The clarity i am now seeking is a little more understanding on what my "thing" is and how i do it exactly.  i talk a good game with great profundity, but can i match that in my walk? 

i like the question, i guess i am willing to embrace being in that question for the time being..to notice my own willingness to show up in each moment, knowing that each one is some form of an answer to prayer.  am i clever enough to recognize that answer, see how i have called in the moment to teach or gift me with deeper clarity on my own path. 

These are the moments of serendipity, the answers to prayer, the funny little ways that life has of working itself out, and if i can remain open to delving into those moments, sharing with vulnerability my own experience from that place...i just might stand a chance of entering full-time into the real occupation of life...now that is worth the gamble isn't it?

life has a way of seeping in at the edges eh?

Gifts of the Desert

I feel quite certain Edward Abbey said something moving and brilliant about the gifts the desert freely gives; perhaps something like

how the sun and carrion scour our bones exposing a story our ivory is there to tell,

or maybe

the lavender hued shadows at dusk tempt us to look with the vision of owl, bat or mischievous coyote into the mystery where no sun's light casts our story into obvious relief. 

I invite you to seek out your favorite quote about these gifts(or write your own) and insert it here in your thoughts...(feel free to share if you are so inclined) for only you know exactly what mood and gift this moment asks to share with you.

this morning as i cleaned through a stack of papers in my room that clamor from somewhere deep within their pile "herein lies all the wisdom, all the answers, don't cast us away", but i'm never quite sure what to do with--i found the following birthday gift emerging to be heard and read and held, and it felt the perfect way to honor the turning of the season from birthday to autumn, from introspection to pruning and preparing for hibernation whence seeds germinated begin their coiling stretch in DNA code long since buried that ignites us all--and so i share it with you in joyful celebration of its expression.

from tessa at my birthday

Desert sun, radiant watch

the eye amidst the grass.

Stretching forth, the gnarled branch.

It holds the last rich seed.

An ancient crane, its song a sacred melody to the woman's bone.

The shadow of the red cliffs cradles,

ever holding, ever strength.

And high above, 

sent from the wind, 

a silhouette that calls you round.

A message from yourself.

You've seen its face and feel the stone.

The Place.

--in reaction,
a heart filled with tearful blessedness,
hearing the crane's cry, seeing the woman's bone
cradled deeply in red cliff's shadow
a message from self--this shadow stalks me,
warrior, shaman, sage
silhouette ever with me, silently willing and waiting to be heard
i am blessed and grateful indeed.

That VALR, she's so HOT right now!!!

Mother earth, wide and deep
stirs the elemental cauldron of pure matter.
As the Queen holds dominion over hive life
inherent order's beauty is realized.

Balancing a timeless dance of earth
while waltzing gently in fluid birth.
Embracing both the ebb and flow
within your nurturing womb.

Spreading Limbs broad and true,
the energy of life revealed
in the heavens of Kether and dirt of Malkuuth.

Seeking long enough to find
that death comes to the ego
only when the conscious priestess lends her graceful gaze.
And when truly "singing out her flesh"
does the heart beat once again from this worthy praise.

Now challenged as only the lone HERMIT can express
How can the HERO brave the mighty Thorn
to reach the blessed Flower?

Up on the hill set that hedge ablaze
and breathe the initiate's fire.
It is in choice of Holy MOMENT that she lingers no more,
and leaps to enter the battle.

----------------
Now playing: Edie Brickell & New Bohemians - Good Times
via FoxyTunes

The sway of genius...

i will be the first to admit that it has been too damn long since i have spent any real time writing. personal writing time has been incredibly limited of late; however, i will say that i have come to the coffee shop at least 6 times in the past few months with the intent of getting a little introspective, drinking a little warm brew and seeing what comes out of the mix. i did the same thing this morning and what rose to the top? 3 hours of responding to personal e-mail, visiting friends' blogs that i haven't seen for ages, reading a few chapters in books that have been buried under finance reports, spreadsheets and business requirements documents.

and through it all a few thoughts finally took form that felt like something to share more than something to pack away for later...

one e-mail i got held a simple personal call to action... or sort of action, really more an internal attitude adjustment whenever we/i feel action might be required...

T.I.T.L.
"trust in the love"

when faced with the pressures of life, the pain or adversity or joy that shows up in our relationships, interactions, internal journeys and public endeavors--the admonition to see that love is at the root of all these experiences builds the lens and the attraction that love really does conquer all.
when life comes at you in the full force that it has a tendency to do, how can we respond/interpret/act in a way that becomes something we can embrace as a means of helping us on our way to happiness and fulfillment? Turning this question on myself, i love the portence of the quiet statement above. it beckons me to trust that life is always holding me in a sincere and purposeful, loving embrace. the intention for all of the experiences that life sends at me is to find the love there, the beauty, the support, the means of holding me in the greatest aspect of caring and fulfillment that i welcome as a method of learning life's lessons and moving into the fullest and most joyful expression of me.

in my reading today i came across a quote from Heraclitus--predating socrates and plato, "ethos anthropoi daimon". meaning can be interpreted in ways too numerous to count, but for me today the path i went down was this...

frequently interpreted to mean "character determines fate", i meandered through the possibility that character is something we build, it takes an infinite number of tiny moments; becomes much more the wave than the particle, and this for me is the "sway" with which we walk. not just our physical step, but our internal urgings, emotional responses, unique means of being in the world.
along with the sway comes our personal call to perform--not just the loud, public, celebrated performance that sometimes defines a man or woman; but the intimate, constant, glorious and terrible pursuit of our own genius that creates the path of the soul.

so for me this is the sway of genius--daily essence of self moving towards the inner call of the soul, in tiny- inner heartbeats, infinite strokes of genius, creating our own path of learning; may not be extreme, may not be famous, may not ever seemingly appear to deviate from the norm, but we know on the inside how we respond to our own essential call to genius. how we match the burning inner need to realize certain aspects of our own genius on this journey through life.

it was the tiny and meaningful statement of "trust in the love" that honed this realization for me today. life is built to love us/me into the most perfect sway our/my own genius can create. there was a photo accompanying this Trust In The Love...the author's child in a pumpkin patch, how else can this beautiful child behave than to trust that pumpkins will grow, mom will think he is amazing, dad will tear up when he balances on his bike and souls will rejoice as he grows in love!!!(i hope she won't mind that i included that picture bursting with potential above.)

"All life is sorrowful; there is however an escape from sorrow; the escape is Nirvana – which is a state of mind or consciousness, not a place somewhere, like heaven. It is right here, in the midst of the turmoil of life. It is the state you find when you are no longer driven to live by compelling desires, fears, and social commitments, when you have found your center of freedom and can act by choice out of that. Voluntary action out of this center is the action of the bodhisattvas – joyful participation in the sorrows of the world. "
The Power of Myth Joseph Campbell

----------------
Now playing: Peter Cincotti - Sway
via FoxyTunes

Now would you teach that to your children?

I have this line of inquiry running in my head that seems to reappear with some frequency. i really wonder about the shit we teach our kids and how aware we are of what we want to pass on to the next generation. sometimes my reason for the question is so obvious like "why in the hell is that child dressed to 'kill' at 6 months old, killing doesn't really match with her darling multi-layered pink bow, nor the bubbles that she continues to blow?" but we can't help it can we, the outfit was a gift, it was too precious to pass up, it's funner than playing with dolls...
or "is it really possible that mom and dad are not aware how disrespectful and downright rude their kid is? if he pulls my hair one more time over the back of this booth, i'm going to pull his back"
and "if the boy just wet his pants as you were trying to force him to climb onto the pony's back, is there a chance he might not want a ponyride today? just wondering"
but much more that these painfully obvious things we as adults seem justified putting our kids through because "we had to learn it as a kid and so should they", i am questioning the behavior of adults and wondering just what the lesson was their parents were trying to teach them, and what the lesson was the kid took on into adulthood?
and what secret did this mom whisper to her precious cargo--to make him so eager to make his entrance into the world?(can i hear it next...)
mostly these are not extreme, terrible or obvious things--not things that parents may even be aware that they are passing on to their kids, it is really more like defense mechanisms, ways of rationalizing behavior or lack of integrity in choices--or outright fears that translate into dicey moments in all of our lives.
so i get it, there is no instruction manual to life, raising kids or being perfect. we are all just really doing our best, but i really do always wonder why we humans tend to shoot ourselves in the foot quite so often.
here's my point, at what place in human history did we learn to believe in our fears, choose life the hard way, let go of our inner guidance system--and then turn around and teach that to our kids as "that's just the way life is!"? i call total bullshit on this one--i really want to expose this practice for the bully that it is, the snidely local priest peering over half-glasses shushing the joyous children of the world, the bitter maiden aunt dried up from lack of proper care and feeding and insisting that those children be seen and not heard, the establishment or the "been there, done that" crowd...
rather why don't we teach our kids and ourselves that life is a tremendous gift, truly a puddle-luscious experience whose marrow we should spend our entire lives attempting to suck dry? this is my personal philosophy; there are unseen, unproven, whispered possibilities that circle our psyches all the time that i would love to hear trumpeted from the rooftops...life is so easy, you have an amazing power and gift and can create whatever wondrous dreams you conjure up, even when serious shit hits the oscillating fan it's because you asked to learn some stuff in this life--that doesn't mean it's not worth living--it means you were powerful enough to get what you asked for...so pay attention to those questions, be clear on your intentions, view life with the joy and delight that it was giftwrapped to be.
(photo credits tim gibbons, photog and filmmaker extraordinaire)
Notice this little chica? utterly fearless, has she ever learned the strange lessons our western society tries to put on us? i think not!!! i embrace this stance to open and let the wonderment in.
i was really writing this in response to a few fears i noticed in others this week, but really it's my own best advice(some showed up to be great mirrors for me) and i'll be the first one to step forward for a little self-mothering.
Hear that lama? puddle-luscious!!!! so let the marrow sucking begin!!!
----------------
Now playing: Adam Green - Jessica
via FoxyTunes

which comes first...the dance or the song?

Slipping the earphones on her ears, a light shines in the dancer’s eyes and radiates through the room; the space trickles with the sweat of anticipation. her body moves to the inaudible thrumming of the music, bodies respond with a palpable need to hear the pulsing electric current streaming into her ears. She isn’t the most graceful of dancers and there are even comical moments in timing and rhythm, but that isn’t the attraction thing at all—no, it’s this inner vibration that is better than perfectly ripened fruit, better than running an 80 yard touchdown, better than belly laughing until you cry because the whole time you are watching her at her finest, you feel awakened to your finest. You become aware of yourself in ways you never knew before this moment. All this--taking her in so completely at home and in love in her own body and soul and with the moment—awakens a desire from deep within your soul, so much so that you can’t deny your need to be encompassed by that feeling. You crave her in your presence; want to soak up the energy dripping from her fingertips, see her look deep into your eyes and know you so plainly. There is no need for words or explanations--your own soul has been peeled like a grape, exposed and raw; scintillating and almost painful as the warm air dances all prickly over your newly exposed self--you can’t help but hope the little breeze of attention will settle on you and set off the sensations all over again.

Physical desire screams in your brain, begging for a moment to breathe--her eyes dancing past; already knowing you for all your faults and loving you for all your beauty. The scream deepens and burns as you witness the fragility, power and humanness of the dancer; stronger still is her passion, creativity, adventure, whimsy and delight—this may not be your typical response to the dancing few, but then this is no ordinary dance.

------------
Now playing: Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor
via FoxyTunes

how does a little lama get her schooling?

there should be rules right? or not? o.k.--so really not "rules" so much as an absence of them, more or less. and not really rules, but guidelines that aid us in the flow of things. mostly i am just talking about setting up/establishing the fact that i couldn't give a rat's ass about spelling, grammar, punctuation etc. and that i don't intend to use it here(at least not in any formal sense of the word), especially because i find that it sort of inhibits what i write if i have to stop and think about how to do so properly, how to best present my words and thoughts in a socially acceptable manner. funny thing, these rules, really just one guideline, sort of feels like it fits for my life as well. i mean, what is the deal with rules anyway? of course i totally get the whole mass chaos, life of wild abandon argument, but is that really what would happen? and why would it happen? how did it turn out that we as a planet full of human beings; touching, feeling, loving human beings should wind up so far away from our own centers, from paying attention to what our inner core, or spirit, or soul, or whatever you want to label it tells us feels good, not just good to me as an individual, but to me as a universal whole?

so maybe you don't agree with the premise, what is this "universal whole" business all about? but seriously, we don't exist in a vacuum people. and who would want to? living life all alone, without interaction with other human beings might quickly lose its appeal when we find that many of our motivations are exactly for interacting with others. so what would that be like, to act with no motivation for interaction with any other individual in the world? as for myself, i consider that to be a fairly lonely existence--and lonely is definitely not one of my motivations! what are my motivations? hmmmm..., in their simplest of terms...joy, love, fulfillment. i suppose we all decide for ourselves what brings joy, love and fulfillment into our individual lives--and my answers for that are constantly shifting. like right now fulfillment is often found in an afternoon spent with a steaming hot espresso, overlooking the west mountains as the sun sets, in introspection. this could be considered a lonely pursuit, but for me, the thought that i'm putting these thoughts out into the world somehow enters them--me into relationship with the world, perhaps to be seen and responded to in some way, by anyone at all feels like a choice for noticing and responding--or not, for expression, for relationship to begin. these are not specifically defined states of being, but rather very loosely held ideas that satisfy for now.

here's the deal--the whole "ecole" situe--i guess that's what this blog is about for me...a chance to air my opinions, try them on for size, decide if they stick at all or if they should be discarded as readily as they were contrived and make space for new opinions to flow into. what better place to do exactly that than in a forum where there is no reason to censure for associations, or community, or habit--there is merely free thought and flow of that--hopefully with some response at some point on which to sharpen my own sentiment--or not, just getting 'em out of my own head creates a space for stillness to enter, ahhhh and that's where the good shit is.