Practice does not require perfect

If the information is new to you, i have been on a new year's quest for the past few weeks...a quest to go without...No plan to make any goals, resolutions and i am actually even shying sort of clear of intentions. 

Shocking, unheard of, degenerate...you say? 

this could lead to the downfall of society...
So the two weeks are at an end, and i am sort of resisting going back to doing things any other way.  i guess i am really loving this whole space in between where no need to categorize or assess my world exists; only a true desire to be actively engaged in the moment i'm in.
here's what i've learned during this experiment...i didn't really sit around on my duff and eat bon bons, in fact i decided to start a sugar cleanse.  that's right, you read me right...during my season of in between. i started a new eating plan.  "how does that work"?  you might ask....and i'll tell you.  it's perfectly awesome to take on things i want to do during this time, i just do it without the whole notion that i have a goal to lose a million pounds, earn a million dollars and sell a million copies of a brilliant new bestseller. There is no need to constellate my plan with judgement or assesment, just energize it with action.  i did the sugar thing because it feels like it gets in the way of my physical happiness.  in all of my stillness and noticing, i recognized some moments where sugar seemed to feed my sense of less than well-being.  so i chose to notice myself going without sugar for a bit.

i've spent 6 days so far in that part of the experiement, and on one of them i cheated.  that bummed me out, but mostly because i noticed an immediate emotional shift into negatory good buddie!  i don't really love that zone anymore, so today, i shifted back to wanting what it feels like in the sugar free zone.

next, i started making some behind the scenes approaches towards building my own website, making the contacts i need, considering what content is relevant, what i might have to share in such a formal way that is worth putting out there.  "what the freak!!!" you say, "how the hell is that not making any resolutions? this chick is a total bait and switch master!"  no, no, no, here's the deal, it hasn't felt necessary to make a goal that i have a live website by a certain date, with a certain amount of relevant information all live and ready to go.  it has felt relevant that i have some things i wanna do, and some things i wanna say and they are begging to get out...in a more formal and clearly designed way than a catch as catch can blog.  so i can't ignore that a great way to organize those thoughts, and then perhaps even grown them into some awesome workshops and projects that other people can get involved in, is to find a way to go public with.  well whaddya know?  in comes the website.  all of a sudden it feels a little fun and exciting to eek out a few minutes during my week to put some creative thought into that and maybe a few action steps to back it up. 
hmmm, still different from goals, but it feels like a really slippery slope i'm describing doesn't it?

so here's the deal, i'm so far from perfect that i am loving the whole concept of gently, kindly, lovingly letting myself off the hook on that one and putting down that expectation for good.  in return, i am really thrilling in the joy of the PRACTICE of my imperfection.  it is a daily habit i am starting here...noticing all the things in that day that support my total and complete well-being and finding a way to do a bit of that for the day.  i do like that way it feels if i practice that for more than one day in a row, in fact, i am kinda really liking what it feels like to practice on a daily basis...this gets me absolutely nowhere closer to perfection, just a whole lot more actively engaged in living, and i guess that feels pretty good.

What Price Perfection?

So for the past few years at Christmas, every time i go tree shopping or think about what i want it to look like i get this nagging feeling that it isn't actually a "tree" i want at all. The little inner juices of creativity within my have shoved one idea after another into my brain, hoping one of them would somehow see the light of day.  Well this year one of them finally did.  Instead of a yummy, pine-smelling perfectly shaped charlie brown tree, this is the idea that popped into my head...a light and air filled tree..a full 8 feet tall and packed with all things creative.  this baby took me over a week to assemble; that old joke about someone always falling into the christmas tree...well, that definitely happened as one huge and heavy ball broke off at the top and fell crashing all the other ornaments beneath it. (i just took a day off after that, so i wouldn't revert to the the fetal position and begin sucking my thumb).

And i love it, i've been playing all sorts of christmas music and feel like i go floating by it every time i am in the room...this simple bit of creative expression has set up a wonderful spirit of christmas for me...but here's the thing...

what's the deal with waiting years and years to try a fun idea like this?  why put so much pressure on myself that it has to be the coolest, most hip and creative idea or it isn't worth attempting? how many delicious, invovled, intricate, exuberant moments of creation have i stifled because "i wasn't ready yet"?  well here's what this feels like for me...i am so happy with this gorgeous bit of frippery that adorns my living room, but i am even more happy that some idea of creation got to take a little test run...

So i invited a bunch of sisters, nieces, grandmas and friends to my house tonight to make gingerbread houses.  i planned it last year with one particular niece who L.O.V.E. loves to bake, but we never got around to it.  the thing is, we wanted to make these "perfect" martha stewart type houses that only have royal icing, a little silver leafing and homemade gingerbread.  as the invite list grew, i grew worried that the other girls would not be happy to have such bald houses and would feel somehow bummed that there was more candy to "pretty up the place".  i had this inner battle going on inside of me.."no, it's my party, we'll make the kind of houses i want",  "i don't see anyone else offering to host such a thing" , "they  will see how beautiful these are when we are done and know it was worth it to do it my way"  what a funny self i am...really, why do i care how someone else decorates their house?  why do i care how much gorgeous frippery they decide to add over every single inch of the house if they like?
Here's what i hope...that in the true spirit of embracing all the powers of creation during this wonderful season of love and light...that i might allow the space for tiny and large creations of my own, that they may be as insanely flawed as ever, but beautiful all the same; and that my delight in this moment will far outweigh the need for perfection and recognize that the effort of creation is what makes me complete.

hmmmm....see how these lessons come around in this blog here Let Go and Let Guy

Let me say it a second time...are the voices inside worth getting out?

People you should see the pages of writing i have that aren't ever going to make it to this blog.  i sit down to write, pour some shit out...and it all feels too raw and personal to share here.  i'm not sure how that feels to you.  how vulnerable does just one seeker need to get in public? but that's the whole idea right?  or else why would i be writing this silly old blog anyway...so here goes my new attempt to share a bit o' the lama with y'all today:)

Let's get real,

the two minds of the lama...she who talks the loudest?

i've had a lot of people share with me that i speak and write very eloquently...in fact, some have gone so far as to say it's intimidating.  believe me folks, i don't share what i write or those 'compliments' in an attempt to garner support for the silky stylings of the lama fan club.  mostly i just pour stuff out, but what i am realizing is that the process of writing for me is one of synthesis...it isn't just stream of consciousness, but more assimilation.  a way for my brain to get up to speed with what has been on runaway for however long and is begging for a look to be taken at it.

Here's the conflict,
how do i take a look with my heart instead of just making the space for my brain to get involved? i do this review thing, this synthesis or assimilation, and i think it's part of an elaborate ruse for my ego to settle back into the fiction that it's in charge.  if my brain gets to wrap itself around all the thoughts and emotions that i am experiencing, then it gets to harness and dictate what choices/actions i will make next.  so there's the rub...i'm on this hugantic quest to get the fuck out of my ego brain and writing seems to put me right back there. (see if i use the f word here, you can tell i'm really fed up with this bit and while you might be offended you also might get on board and relate with how high my emotional frustration is...good girl ego felt the need to explain that one, brainy ego felt the need to qualify for good girl so she doesn't seem stupid...well fuck, anyone else want to chime in?)

so what's the goal...well according to my laughing yogini, there is no goal, there is only now...so that's what i got for today.

serendipity

have i used that one before?
or more aptly asked, has it used me?  the moments in between the arrivals and departures--the tiny bits that happen when waiting for the other shoe to drop-- have quite a way of showing up to teach me such big stuff...i find these synchronistic moments so deeply meaningful that i sometimes end up drinking too much from that cup and not simply tasting what is right in front of me.


This week i departed my full-time "employment" of fundraising and service/learning expedition work to "employ" myself a little closer to home.  i've spent the past three years working for a cause based primarily in Brazil, and while it was so clearly the perfect place for me to be doing my thing during that time, it is so clearly now not!  The clarity i am now seeking is a little more understanding on what my "thing" is and how i do it exactly.  i talk a good game with great profundity, but can i match that in my walk? 

i like the question, i guess i am willing to embrace being in that question for the time being..to notice my own willingness to show up in each moment, knowing that each one is some form of an answer to prayer.  am i clever enough to recognize that answer, see how i have called in the moment to teach or gift me with deeper clarity on my own path. 

These are the moments of serendipity, the answers to prayer, the funny little ways that life has of working itself out, and if i can remain open to delving into those moments, sharing with vulnerability my own experience from that place...i just might stand a chance of entering full-time into the real occupation of life...now that is worth the gamble isn't it?

life has a way of seeping in at the edges eh?

holy hot damn batman

and with the blink of an eye, what seemed so real, something to worry over, that brought great stress and anxiety is complete.  with the support of many unseen angels and the loving kindness of so many old and new friends what held all the mystic writing of a true nervous breakdown has been a gift of extremes...learning, hardship, stretching, friendship and eye-openers.  as i sit late at night under the full brazilian moon, with what appear to be 2 of the world's puffiest ankles attached to my legs--i recognize the mixed blessings of so many things.  my heart is full in awesome wonder at how the world yet again, shows up to be my safety net.  nice catch batman! y grace a deus:)

Drinking from the Fire Hose

it's just 24 hours before 25 young men and women arrive for their 2 week excursion, i've been at our site for 2 days and what seems like 3 lifetimes since i got off my plane.  i keep having this vision of some kind of reality show where some guy named joe appears atop a high perch and announces loudly-- 
turn on the hydraulic, max-suspension, state-of-the art, smoke 'em if you got 'em FIRE HOSE.  
Whoa nelly, and i think somewhere deep down inside...did i shave my legs for this????
  Before y'all get too nervous or worried for my actual sanity or anything like that...let me start (well start now) by saying, i think i'm all right...in the words of the Monty Python Players..."i'm not dead yet".  i have to say in the past 2 days and 3 lifetimes i have thought many many times that if this were a year ago i might not be able to handle all this shit!!!  and now, today--it really doesn't even smell like shit.  wow, life has handed me a completely new service project, a coordinator who missed his flight and won't be here early to prepare, several in-country employees who suddenly don't work here anymore and a lot of possible drama about the how's and why's of that, two women who are my absolute heart connections that i will be eternally grateful for becoming their friends who can't welcome me into their home because of possible family trouble....these are just the highlights...and with every new rock that gets overturned i do this sort of ...am i drowning yet test, when i realize i can still breath, i take a deep one and keep paddling.

funny thing here--i've got muscles i never knew i had...muscles of expansion and contraction, of living in some serious ebb and then finally stretching for the flow that are now flexing their apparent JIEnormous selves.  or it may be what they say about an adreniline rush...when stress hits in the biggest of way, our hormones kick in to help us cope.

so here's the gratitude...i don't feel stressed.  hmmm, lemme check, no, not yet anyway (and i don't want to jinx myself because i've got some big weeks ahead of me) this brand new muscle i've discovered, i'll call it the River Breather, nestled right between the lungs --adjacent to the diaphragm, this one has been building for nigh on many months now.   the gratitude comes from the recognition of the tiny and persistent moments when holding the breath teaches the River Breather to build a bigger capacity, when screaming at the top of my lungs teaches the River Breather how to call in all angels and guides possible for assistance, how praying with all of my heart teaches the River Breather that there is absolutely nothing it can do--powerless to aid me at all, it stops breathing altogether to allow the true higher power of all i surrender my ego and will to , to step in and administer CPR ....

ahh there it is, now i see it...i thought this was a fire hose and it is godly CPR...it's all in the perspective isn't it...and last month i was the one PRAYING RAIN wasn't i?  silly wabbit!!!

chime in folks...how's the month for you?  is the fecund, fertile and final month of summer summing itself up with any learning for you?

‘IS IT TRUE’ | soul biographies

there are just perfect moments sometimes when i get to remember that i can throw out the crap my ego tells me if i choose to live it differently.  this is a tiny video by Byron Katie encouraging anyone, including me, to do just that.

‘IS IT TRUE’ | soul biographies

Hand to Heart

in the spiritual tradition i grew up in, we had a common practice of "raising our hand to the square" to signify our agreement from the congregation.  We also learned of using the same sign to stand in strength of spirit when or if the need ever arose to call on the support and strength of unseen guidance and protection.

In the classroom we did the same to vote for a common goal, or elect someone to office--and we held our hand to our heart to pledge allegiance.  I watched many of our olympians this year choose not to raise hand to heart--was that a conscious thing?  I wonder how one can strive for excellence in such a powerful way and not feel overwhelming gratitude and allegiance to a way of being from a country that allowed, encouraged, honored that pursuit?  How is it possible not to be aware of how clearly the physical signs and symbols we revere and honor support us on our own path?


i suppose i should ask that question only for myself, and so i rephrase... 
i ask that my eyes and spirit be constantly awakened and enriched by the signs and symbols whose deeper meaning always guide my path?


"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." 
Antoine De Saint Exupery

this quote has appeared from all directions for me recently--and i was shocked to find it emerge in the mandala i have been pouring onto the page below.  i have been on a journey with a circle of friends--examining my own vows of conscious living.  without having any clue what it was my innards wanted to make outer, i drew this mandala while meditating on my own purity of heart, and while the art part of it lept in light out from the surface of the paper, the clarity of this symbol only now has begun to ring so clear for my own path.  This palm is raised to the square, baring heart fully in a mudra of pure love.

"cultivating purity of heart...one must have a desire to see with transparent eyes, to have no judgement about, desires for, or emotional aversions.  Purity of heart reveals a maskless self, and tremendous personal awareness" 
Deborah Jones

As the color, emotion and energy flow into the light of this circle, the heart appears deep within the iris of this eye--the eye which sees through the heart, does not need nor desire the masks the physical eye relays, but gratefully acknowledges the deep beauty only visible from the stand of heart wide open.

It is from this place that i choose to witness my own self and my tribe, of which you all are a part.

                                        AHO MITAKUYE OYASIN

I AM

This is my very first "guest blogger" --  if you will.  I couldn't not share these words with just a few more people. and in the same moment celebrate how we all express our own senses, connection, yearning and knowing.

This is a poem by one of my friend's children (pictured below) .  what hope and vision i see for a world inspired by the spirit of child like this.  

I AM
BY: Connor Martindale.

I am a wonderer seeking for my freedom.
I wonder about the animals in desperate need.
I hear roaches croaking at me.
I see the fireflies flying around me
I want to be a believer.
I am a wonderer seeking for my freedom.
I pretend I’m in world war 2.
I feel blood pouring out of me.
I touch the nurse as I’m in desperate need.
I worry that I’m going to die.
I cry as I see that I’m a survivor.
I am a wonderer seeking for my freedom.
I understand that I will die someday.
I say I’m happy.
I dream about my past life.
I try to be a good man.
I hope that I’m right.
I am a wonderer seeking for my freedom.

No better time than the present

well it's almost over, the world's longest lasting sprint, run-up-to-the-finishline, push through til you get it done, kick my ass month of work that i've had in a long time. i've just sent off a group of 15 tired, worn-out, hard-working and much-expecting americans, from their first ever humanitarian expedition in brazil. while there is so much to say about all of our experiences here and so many details about them all, this is not the place for that. Rather, this is the place for what i learned about me and the ways things work during this quite challenging experience.

and here's the thing...i'm happy to be alive, doing what i'm doing, being who i'm being. there are so many nitpicky things i could say about the people i've just traveled with (i'm sure they could say things about me as well), or criticisms i could lodge about the work we've done and how i wish we could do it better--with improvement each time, or about how my life just isn't complete, but i just don't want that to be what i ever say, where my brain ever goes, how my time is ever spent. it seems funny to me to learn this lesson at this time in my life, but while my precious little egoic brain is struggling to do all the things i've listed above. my now, well-worn heart and spirit are calmly taking a breather. the 3 of us have all just had the same experience, but the heart and spirit part are just done letting the ego brain take the lead at this point.

i was explaining the concept of the "debrief" to my friend here the other day. this is to sit down after an experience and pick it apart. take apart all the pieces and examine them from every side. i just absolutely love to do this--my brain gets very mentally satisfied to go through all this examination and finally calm itself once all the "debriefing" endorphins have been exhausted. my choice at this moment is to learn that there is not a need for the "debrief" in this way anymore. my brain/ego in charge just absolutely won't accept that reasoning. it wants, it needs to go through the process to resolve all loose ends and energy that are hanging out there, to compartmentalize, analyze, clearly define all aspects of the experience. but i see now, that this extreme processing does not serve my spirit. my spirit accepts what is, what has been done--loves how everything plays out and moves forward with confidence that all will be well, all is well.

that is my truth right now, as i choose that, behave in accordance with that belief--that is how the flow of energy surrounding me gets flowing on my behalf.

i had a great chat with one young man this week who was all full of bragadoccio and piss and vinegar. through his eyes, he had no need to concern himself with the people or circumstances going on around him because he had enough determination and personal power to muscle through any situation. in my eyes, i see he has an amazing bit of strength, but how much more can he accomplish when he chooses to get the flow of things around him to go in his same direction. i turn this lesson right in on myself, here i am, in this moment...i choose to step into the river that is flowing in my life; embrace fully the opportunities that show up as gifts and challenges--and start paddling with all my might--or floating when the current takes me...

to be right here in the gift of now...

did any of this make sense? it's all i've got for now, just really wanted to take a moment to reflect in a way that didn't give full charge to my ego:)


----------------
Now playing: Resgate Surf - nada e impossivel
via FoxyTunes

why you wanna fly?

tortion in your look, something has occurred
is it possible that in this judgment we have erred?
is there something gently disguised by the twinkle in your eyes,
and do we mispeak by asking clearly to hear about your week?

it's not a problem especially and we don't mean to pry,
but the clenching stress and twitch might yet reveal the lie.
don't be alarmed by this momentary aberration
it's just something to note while passing through the station.

something to note about the psyche or consciousness
in this child that walks so bravely and silently among us.
i don't have much to go on to identify the issue
that belies the remarkable softness as it yields its inner tissue.

a melting implies that we are finally letting go of shape
while holding the gentle infant within the visionary's scape.
honor comes with engineered development of presence
an opportunity for thoroughbred to open up to essence.


----------------
Now playing: Nina Simone - Blackbird
via FoxyTunes

'Where have all the februaries gone' or 'time keeps on slippin into the future'

is it actually march? of 2009? this has been a fast-moving moment of living i have been moving through for the past little while; and at the same time slow in a way of noticing that hasn't always been my practice. . .



Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
----------------
Now playing: Ray LaMontagne - Be Here Now
via FoxyTunes