People you should see the pages of writing i have that aren't ever going to make it to this blog. i sit down to write, pour some shit out...and it all feels too raw and personal to share here. i'm not sure how that feels to you. how vulnerable does just one seeker need to get in public? but that's the whole idea right? or else why would i be writing this silly old blog anyway...so here goes my new attempt to share a bit o' the lama with y'all today:)
Let's get real,
the two minds of the lama...she who talks the loudest?
i've had a lot of people share with me that i speak and write very eloquently...in fact, some have gone so far as to say it's intimidating. believe me folks, i don't share what i write or those 'compliments' in an attempt to garner support for the silky stylings of the lama fan club. mostly i just pour stuff out, but what i am realizing is that the process of writing for me is one of synthesis...it isn't just stream of consciousness, but more assimilation. a way for my brain to get up to speed with what has been on runaway for however long and is begging for a look to be taken at it.
Here's the conflict,
how do i take a look with my heart instead of just making the space for my brain to get involved? i do this review thing, this synthesis or assimilation, and i think it's part of an elaborate ruse for my ego to settle back into the fiction that it's in charge. if my brain gets to wrap itself around all the thoughts and emotions that i am experiencing, then it gets to harness and dictate what choices/actions i will make next. so there's the rub...i'm on this hugantic quest to get the fuck out of my ego brain and writing seems to put me right back there. (see if i use the f word here, you can tell i'm really fed up with this bit and while you might be offended you also might get on board and relate with how high my emotional frustration is...good girl ego felt the need to explain that one, brainy ego felt the need to qualify for good girl so she doesn't seem stupid...well fuck, anyone else want to chime in?)
so what's the goal...well according to my laughing yogini, there is no goal, there is only now...so that's what i got for today.
This winter has truly been a space of ebb and moving in fallow land to discover what might be growing just under the surface. For me this has been a therapeutic time of stillness, deep soil regeneration and wondering. i am in wonderment at how life continually blesses me with challenges and awakenings that coax my timid footsteps into clearer paths. i wanted to share just a bit of that learning, reaching out in connection and a willingness to be seen.
i meet with a group every couple of weeks that does some deep work/play on fundamental energy concepts of spirit and intuition. recently our guide asked in general "what are your intuitive gifts?" it's sometimes hard to just come right out and say it isn't it? or maybe that's just me. and sometimes i don't even have a clue what my gifts are. in that moment i wasn't interested in hiding my gifts, but claiming them--so i joined in by saying "i'm a storyteller". she said, "great, will you present to us next week?" i'm sure you can imagine my own shock and no meagre dismay at having to move from saying a single word about myself into actually turning on this so-called gift in front of a group that i consider to be quite gifted. What was i thinking, why did i raise my hand, how could i have dared?
the next week class was canceled, i had a reprieve i thought. but as time stretched out, my little ole brain got in the middle of things and started to second guess me all over the place. Several times i had to consciously switch off that chatter to allow the deeper knowing in me a place to work. and work it did...right alongside the brain that spent a long sick-day in bed, several tearjerking sessions evaluating my own worth and one or two silly, crazy arguments with those i love. i never even spotted one of the causes for all this turmoil was the shifting. all through the winter, so many things germinating inside that were just dying (or in this case LIVING) to get out.
when the evening came i was ready, that means i had calmed my tired mind and emptied it of expectation. (i did spend some funny moments making sure my house was clean, the good smelling candles were lit and i had a huge stack of possible props at hand--ahhh the busywork) when called upon i spent a few minutes in my own "small story"; sharing what felt like vulnerable details of my own earth experience and a desire to connect even in that place. But then i shifted in the "grand and mythic tale"--this always seems a suit much more fulfilling to wear. without having a plan, just the intention to invite story in, in the best way it would serve the moment, i opened my storybook and went. someone volunteered to have their story told, drew from a tray of archetypal objects (or just fun sand tray items really collected on my own journey through story) and off we went; weaving a story together that began in his own tiniest of places and ended in the biggest vision he could see of himself. (his words, not mine)
and then there was silence, how did that happen, what did i say, was that really real or am i just dreaming? the roaring silence filled my ears with the joy of filling space with a shared spirit--as i shared my own gifts, spirit raced in to fill me up, expand my vision and guide my tale; and those loving wonderful spirits in the room met me there, so willing and joyful to witness the journey.
I share this story as an invitation, when we share our vulnerable hearts with the courage to be seen, there is a gift created in that moment; a gift of the mythic character we each are being named and seen and celebrated. this is no small gift and it encourages the re-gifting by it's very nature. i thank you for so gently witnessing my own story and always offer that gift in return.
I saw this lovely little talk on TED recently that actually prompted me to write this up and share with more than my own small group that evening--i offer it as a tasty morsel of delightful insight and learning into our own magic pixie places:) Magic Pixie/Storyteller...a little TED piece about that gift
I'm a virgo baby and it's my birthday this month. many years ago i adopted the practice of advertising my birthday to be exactly sure that friends and family had enough advance notice to celebrate me according to the many hints and requests i had given them. This advance notice has truly evolved for me and it feels like it has become more of a huge set of bookends set around the month of September in which i insert as many intentional celebrations, introspections, retreats and dancefests/singalongs necessary to assure that , from the inside, i am able to celebrate my own life, know what it is that i even care about celebrating. But this month has been a little different than past birthdays, and i am reflecting in what feels like a very different way this year.
Having just spent the month of August out of the country, out of my day-to-day life, focusing on spiritual practice and intentional open-hearted interaction, i have found myself feeling a little nonplussed this month because it feels like much of the birthday work i would normally do for the year was really taken care of last month. And what i find myself in the middle of now is truly new territory that i both love and fear at the same time. i find that i have enough awareness and caring for myself that i treasure the learning from my recent travels and hardships and embrace their value in my current days. i.e. after 30 days of being the most open-hearted, least reactionary and willing to take nothing personal person i have ever been while living abroad, i find that i am truly challenged with the notion of bringing this home and incorporating it into my daily world. i also find that with the open heart came this willingness to risk in a way that hasn't been around for a long time...or at least that is what came home with me and started out the month. Now i feel just a wee bit fearful because i notice old habits and protections slipping back in that i am no longer fond of.
So i am set with a Birthday Challenge of holding truer, examining more deeply, embracing more authentically this person of becoming and i'm afraid. i don't know how to be a new me, i certainly don't know how to stay the old me and survive the inner fury. But even more than surviving such a fury, i truly choose to step into this void, leap with abandon. i find instead that i step with caution, tight hamstrings, puffy ankles and toes in need of a pedicure--and yet step i do--thanks to the many who have contributed to my general discomfort that i choose gratefully the risky leap rather than sticking with what i already know.
and with the blink of an eye, what seemed so real, something to worry over, that brought great stress and anxiety is complete. with the support of many unseen angels and the loving kindness of so many old and new friends what held all the mystic writing of a true nervous breakdown has been a gift of extremes...learning, hardship, stretching, friendship and eye-openers. as i sit late at night under the full brazilian moon, with what appear to be 2 of the world's puffiest ankles attached to my legs--i recognize the mixed blessings of so many things. my heart is full in awesome wonder at how the world yet again, shows up to be my safety net. nice catch batman! y grace a deus:)
Wow, talk about curve balls... just when i'm pretty damn sure i've got it all figured out, life steps in to clearly assure me that it is time to stop figuring altogether and let go of this desperate need i seem to have to storyboard the ending of any situation in my life. it's tough to see around a curved corner to know the result at the end of the toss.
This is a good thing
in spite of all i might like to think to the contrary in the moment, what i recognize and feel so much gratitude for is that i can let go of all that "worry". the need to think about how things will work out, whether or not all the details will be taken care of, when you think about, the humor is blatant that i might actually have any level of control about those kinds of things. i wonder, did the "mighty casey" think it was a good thing when that third strike cleared home plate?
So why is this good?
the best thing i can say about that right now is that it relieves my poor little struggling ego from the responsibility of taking care of everything in the entire world that crosses my path at any level. Can you see how that is good? and more importantly--i can see and feel and breathe why letting go of that kind of wasted brain focus, opens my senses to so many more ways to learn things, to experience moments and to love life! it's a wonder we never hear the story of "mighty casey" the brainsurgeon, homeroom school teacher or amazing dad...these are the powerful stories that have a way of working themselves out and making great impact in the lives of so many that are entirely outside of our control. with that in mind, i say it's time to
