and ebb...

A major obstacle to creativity is wanting to be in the peak season of growth and generation at all times . . . but if we see the soul’s journey as cyclical, like the seasons. . . then we can accept the reality that periods of despair or fallowness are like winter – a resting time that offers us a period of creative hibernation, purification, and regeneration that prepare us for the births of spring.
-Linda Leonard, from Call to Create : Celebrating Acts of Imagination

Birthmonth

I'm a virgo baby and it's my birthday this month.  many years ago i adopted the practice of advertising my birthday to be exactly sure that friends and family had enough advance notice to celebrate me according to the many hints and requests i had given them.  This advance notice has truly evolved for me and it feels like it has become more of a huge set of bookends set around the month of September in which i insert as many intentional celebrations, introspections, retreats and dancefests/singalongs necessary to assure that , from the inside, i am able to celebrate my own life, know what it is that i even care about celebrating.  But this month has been a little different than past birthdays, and i am reflecting in what feels like a very different way this year.

Having just spent the month of August out of the country, out of my day-to-day life, focusing on spiritual practice and intentional open-hearted interaction, i have found myself feeling a little nonplussed this month because it feels like much of the birthday work i would normally do for the year was really taken care of last month.  And what i find myself in the middle of now is truly new territory that i both love and fear at the same time.  i find that i have enough awareness and caring for myself that i treasure the learning from my recent travels and hardships and embrace their value in my current days.  i.e.  after 30 days of being the most open-hearted, least reactionary and willing to take nothing personal person i have ever been while living abroad, i find that i am truly challenged with the notion of bringing this home and incorporating it into my daily world.  i also find that with the open heart came this willingness to risk in a way that hasn't been around for a long time...or at least that is what came home with me and started out the month.  Now i feel just a wee bit fearful because i notice old habits and protections slipping back in that i am no longer fond of.

So i am set with a Birthday Challenge of holding truer, examining more deeply, embracing more authentically this person of becoming and i'm afraid.  i don't know how to be a new me, i certainly don't know how to stay the old me and survive the inner fury.  But even more than surviving such a fury, i truly choose to step into this void, leap with abandon.  i find instead that i step with caution, tight hamstrings, puffy ankles and toes in need of a pedicure--and yet step i do--thanks to the many who have contributed to my general discomfort that i choose gratefully the risky leap rather than sticking with what i already know.

The Warrior's Lament or With Arms Outstretched Wide

A few years ago I participated in a 7 day personal vision quest with a group of about 10 people. Three full days and nights of the quest were solo and fasting in the wilderness.The pre and post days were spent in preparation and follow-up with the group in the wilderness as well. I experienced some major personal revelations/visitations during that solo time on the mountain, and my learning and own awareness continues to unfold as time keeps on slipping into the future from those mountaintop moments. A few months back I met with my good friend and facilitator of the visionquest journey--who was interviewing me for his dissertation—a piece on the vision quest experience. I was really curious to hear his observations and asked if i could read it when he was done--so i just got it and read it and here is what came of that...

It’s so funny how shocked I always am by an outsider’s perspective on my own inner journey. I have had several moments sitting on the therapist's couch when I have learned some really surprising bits about myself 

and have felt none too settled as I digested the curious information.

This is how I felt as I read his paper—shocked, surprised, even troubled by the summation he had come to on my personal learning from the journey. Is this really what came across as the most important piece of information I had shared? Could he have possibly been not really listening to what I had to say? Is it possible that he came into the interview with so many preconceived notions that he only heard what he wanted to? Well all of this is possible and actually even probable—I’m of the opinion we typically only hear what we want, and only as it relates to us most of the time. However with all those disclaimers being made, I also came to another conclusion that was quite surprising to me...

I had learned something much bigger, more powerful and poignant than any of the conclusions he came to about what I shared, but he could only base his observations on what I told him; He wasn’t up there on the mountain with me; He didn’t stand on the edge of that cliff with me, chest bared, long hair whipping in the wind as I wailed out my own personal lament, crying to the ancestors that surrounded me to ‘come running’ as if from Rumi’s stretcher of angels; 

How could he have known any of these things...

because I didn’t tell him? 

Not only didn’t I tell him, I considered the knowledge, the personal revelation, the intimate experience to be in fact so intimate that I could only reveal it in the verymost intense and 
deeply in touch of moments that few on this plane would ever know it.

So why when I read his observations was I so offended that he hadn’t read it in my essence 
as if from the ethers?  Oh the personal indignation, nostrils flaring, quippy dismissal—I moved effortlessly into fullblown denunciation without much provocation(all with at least a small maintained sense of humor about the whole thing)  that I had to let go even that fact that I had read his paper at all for a period of time.   As I caught my breath, let a few weeks pass, reread the paper a few times—most importantly reviewed, expressed, defined and embraced the big lessons that sit so profoundly on my heart from this experience, I realized that I had fully protected, guarded and strong-armed any intrusion into that space, even from the most well-meaning of inquiries.

And here it is… How else is it possible that others come to know those places in me, other than if I choose to share them?  I am the keyholder and gatekeeper—wow, I get all the power.  But what’s that guardianship worth if there isn’t anyone to share it with?  Realizing all this, I look at some of his observations and the pendulum swings back…maybe he wasn’t entirely off the mark, maybe he was able to come to some conclusions about what I had told him that really did have something to do with what was going on for me…and then a little more breath, allowing, okayness sneaks in.   and so we are both right…there is more to share and more to learn…and just like that,

now the way is made open.

Evolution of Right Speech

I'm not sure what these 4 images mean...they are something i drew illuminating my own journey of using my voice in right speech.  I have found there is much i have to share that remains unshared, much to voice that is unheard.  i invite my spirit and voice to sound out the heartwrenching tone of my soul--whether this song is sung on key or not, it is a note that is called to join the throng, and without it, the cosmos would not be complete.

Anything but this...

It's amazing to me how the past few weeks of my life have unfolded. Through absolutely no master plan of my own, life has shown up to give me exactly what i have needed. The layers of each event have built this mind blowing feeling of assurance and grace in me that i have been craving for quite some time. --So here's the odd bit, in spite of all these happenstances (and mind you not all of them easy or wonderful--just what i needed) i have been fairly unable to articulate in this space what has been going on for me. The past few days as i have finally come to rest at my own home and had time to unravel my feelings, i recognize a resistance to write anything in these pages unless i have come to the perfect conclusion, made lemonade from my proverbial lemons or resolved the inner angst that plagues me.

i am called to ask myself--and you, what kind of learning process do i share if all i write about is the end result, none of the-along the way- underpinings for peace, love and understanding?

( i had someone accuse me of being a drama queen this week, what's that all about if i don't even share some of the drama along the way?)

I spent the last week with a truly perfectly called-in group of people--each one showing up with their own strengths and weaknesses, willing to learn as individuals and as a whole. as i sat before them, asking for understanding, connection and insight; i was overcome by their intention for acceptance, unconditional love when asked for it and willingness to witness the journey each member of the group had shown up to take.

and what did i learn about myself? i was asking to be seen--in the small and tiny ways that so many of us are afraid to share about ourselves. it took me almost the whole week to voice this request, to actually verbalize what i so needed from these people that they were so willing to give. this was not a request that might be classed, in most senses, as one of mythic proportions; and yet, the import for me is grand!!! Funny thing is, i was totally willing to do and say that for any person in that room--but was too afraid to ask for it myself. how does this fear get to boss me around? how does it get control of what i do or say? how do any of our fears get to be the thing that controls our actions, rather than our strengths or aspirations?

perhaps there is something to be said for making lemonade from those old lemons anyway. . . we, each of us, come into this world with the things that already hold great import and merit for us, things that we want to share with the world; but the way we learn to do, share, be in the world isn't always the easiest. i guess what i'm trying to say here is that i intend to write some of the hard things too, not just the glossy moments...so cross your fingers and we'll see what the little fingers type in the way of exposition.

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Now playing: Elvis Costello - (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding?
via FoxyTunes

Now would you teach that to your children?

I have this line of inquiry running in my head that seems to reappear with some frequency. i really wonder about the shit we teach our kids and how aware we are of what we want to pass on to the next generation. sometimes my reason for the question is so obvious like "why in the hell is that child dressed to 'kill' at 6 months old, killing doesn't really match with her darling multi-layered pink bow, nor the bubbles that she continues to blow?" but we can't help it can we, the outfit was a gift, it was too precious to pass up, it's funner than playing with dolls...
or "is it really possible that mom and dad are not aware how disrespectful and downright rude their kid is? if he pulls my hair one more time over the back of this booth, i'm going to pull his back"
and "if the boy just wet his pants as you were trying to force him to climb onto the pony's back, is there a chance he might not want a ponyride today? just wondering"
but much more that these painfully obvious things we as adults seem justified putting our kids through because "we had to learn it as a kid and so should they", i am questioning the behavior of adults and wondering just what the lesson was their parents were trying to teach them, and what the lesson was the kid took on into adulthood?
and what secret did this mom whisper to her precious cargo--to make him so eager to make his entrance into the world?(can i hear it next...)
mostly these are not extreme, terrible or obvious things--not things that parents may even be aware that they are passing on to their kids, it is really more like defense mechanisms, ways of rationalizing behavior or lack of integrity in choices--or outright fears that translate into dicey moments in all of our lives.
so i get it, there is no instruction manual to life, raising kids or being perfect. we are all just really doing our best, but i really do always wonder why we humans tend to shoot ourselves in the foot quite so often.
here's my point, at what place in human history did we learn to believe in our fears, choose life the hard way, let go of our inner guidance system--and then turn around and teach that to our kids as "that's just the way life is!"? i call total bullshit on this one--i really want to expose this practice for the bully that it is, the snidely local priest peering over half-glasses shushing the joyous children of the world, the bitter maiden aunt dried up from lack of proper care and feeding and insisting that those children be seen and not heard, the establishment or the "been there, done that" crowd...
rather why don't we teach our kids and ourselves that life is a tremendous gift, truly a puddle-luscious experience whose marrow we should spend our entire lives attempting to suck dry? this is my personal philosophy; there are unseen, unproven, whispered possibilities that circle our psyches all the time that i would love to hear trumpeted from the rooftops...life is so easy, you have an amazing power and gift and can create whatever wondrous dreams you conjure up, even when serious shit hits the oscillating fan it's because you asked to learn some stuff in this life--that doesn't mean it's not worth living--it means you were powerful enough to get what you asked for...so pay attention to those questions, be clear on your intentions, view life with the joy and delight that it was giftwrapped to be.
(photo credits tim gibbons, photog and filmmaker extraordinaire)
Notice this little chica? utterly fearless, has she ever learned the strange lessons our western society tries to put on us? i think not!!! i embrace this stance to open and let the wonderment in.
i was really writing this in response to a few fears i noticed in others this week, but really it's my own best advice(some showed up to be great mirrors for me) and i'll be the first one to step forward for a little self-mothering.
Hear that lama? puddle-luscious!!!! so let the marrow sucking begin!!!
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Now playing: Adam Green - Jessica
via FoxyTunes

if you live in a glass house

Funny how life brings it isn’t it? I mean we all sit in our glass houses hoping desperately that nobody among us thinks they are without sin, all the while looking for a chink in our brother’s armor—even if we aren’t his keeper. (how was that for mixed metaphor? at this point I’m not even sure what I’m talking about, but stick with me for a bit and we’ll learn together). This morning as I lay in my gloriously puffy bed with freshly washed sheets, reading e-mails, checking the news and wishing for breakfast in bed; I came across a thought of momentary noteworthiness that washed my struggling heart with serenity.

You see, I’ve had sort of a shitty week. Now I wouldn’t go so far as to say a totally shitty week, and it has got absolutely nothing on last week in the total stank department—in truth, things started to brighten up for me at least by Wednesday—so “sort of” really is a perfect descriptive in this case.(I’m just good like that.) What’s funny though is that the change from total to sort of just really insisted on inserting itself whether I liked it or not. And frankly I did like it; I have actually been doing some strange ritual of supination and begging this week and even considered various methods demonstrated in “agnes of god” for the truly devout to bring about a lifting of the proverbial gloomy cloud that has been pouring down, frizzing my hair and plainly ruining my make-up for nigh on a fortnight now.

When the breakfast in bed never appeared I roused myself for an outing to the local coffeehouse to enjoy a warm, ritualistic cup of eye-opener and some friendly banter. The banter was altogether at least 5 times as friendly as it has been for many Sundays and the learning was profound. My coffee companion began to describe a Sundance documentary by stacy peralta of "dogtown" fame called,"made in america" about the genesis of gangs in america and how they began from a genuine desire to build community and a sense of place in the world in the early 50’s—with no real intent or need for violence. My oversimplification (for literary purposes) of the plot linked my thoughts to the brief film I watched just last night about the favelas/slums in brazil and the nature of the gang violence and destitution lived there and the overall stinkyness of my past few weeks.
Then a little question arose in my brain or maybe from my heart…is it any wonder that the people of the world faced with amazing hardship and strife have a hard time rising above their trials when those of us with puffy beds and even the remotest possibility of breakfast being served there can’t seem to get out of our glass houses, quit trying to cast the first stone, wanting to find a chink in our brother’s armor and aren’t even the least bit interested in being his keeper? (not in the zoo sense of the word, but more in the jungle sense of “we’re all in this jungle together, why don’t we want to run in the same herd” sort of way).
The documentary told of how the men who started the gangs, or in their words—clubs, were looking for a place of fraternity where they could come together and form stronger bonds, hold their accomplishments up with pride—a place that wasn’t being allowed to them from the white community.
What is it in the nature of people that would not want another man or woman to be able to join with them because of a common bond? Why it is that human nature does not imbue in us an unquenchable desire to form these bonds wherever possible, to overcome our differences, rejoice in them and relish our similarities as well? When viewed in the global sense, this question is timely and oft disheartening…our nation and global village are crippled because of shortsighted behavior, but my question is posed on a poignant and purely personal level. If we can’t learn to see our literal brother or sister through the lens of unconditional love, even when they behave atrociously; if we can’t embrace our lover or best friend because we love them even when they disappoint us terribly, then at what point is it safe to say that nobody’s house will be left standing—glass or otherwise?
I don’t ask this question to imply that we should all abandon our opinions and differences, nor that we should hesitate to defend or even reveal them, I merely ask in recognition of my own learning…is there a way that we, as the closest of beings, can see each other in all our differences, embrace the fact that there are as many opinions and differences in this world as there are people and we are lucky to have people who love us enough to dispute those differences loving us all the while?
I suppose it was the experience of truly connecting with a few people this week, who while so different from me, were amazing and magnificent in their own right that I began to love them for it—which lifted the gloom, inserted the opportunity to connect through my heart, found the way to express diversity—even resolve conflict, all the while cradling it with compassion. It is this place which instills in me great hope for the people of the world—as we, as I, learn to see all my brothers with the heart--the differences no longer present a conflict, they present the opportunity to more deeply know another and through that, myself—and this will be our global village’s greatest triumph—whether we agree on it or not.

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Now playing: Peter Tosh - Glass House
via FoxyTunes

Sit! stay....stay.....

so i have to be fair and admit that many of my purposes for writing this blog thing are selfish, well probably most of my purposes are selfish--in fact, i'm open to suggestions about any reasons you can think of that this really isn't a wholly self-involved endeavor. that being said, however, i am coming to some really interesting realizations about myself as i write and read the things that appear in this blog. it seems i write differently for an audience, no matter how imagined or inflated in my mind that audience might be...i try to make more sense, come to some conclusions, be a little more reflective than i might be when only writing for myself. i get extremely stream of consciousness when it's just little old me, can't hold a train of thought to save my life, and certainly glad that so far it doesn't seem to be a requirement i care about when doing my personal journaling.

but should i really want others to follow along with general interest, a modicum of appropriate flow does seem important. so why is this point important right now? because when i review myself i find that i've made some really good points that if i would just pay attention to would really go a long way in helping me not to give in to my ultimate demise. case in point--the whole hiberNation theme--clear back in december i actually put it down in black and white that this season didn't feel like any other, and that my body and spirit both seem to really be calling for a respite. in black and white people, and yet here i am clear into january, new year's intentions clearly set and moving full steam ahead. aha, but here's the thing...(i love here's the thing don't you? there always seems to be some kind of thing) my only new year's goal this year was to live a life fully listening to my internal vibration, if you will. to actually pay attention to when my sense of inner self is vibrantly responding to what i am doing or if it is completely disgusted with my current choices.

now i don't mean this on the grand scale, well yes i do, but i mean it on the petite scale as well. to really start to listen to the little choices that lead to all the moments of my day....do i really like this music, does it open my spirit to connecting to those around me in the way i want to connect right now, how do i want to connect right now, do i want to bring that subject up with him or will it be o.k. to just handle it myself, do i want to go out tonight or is a hot bath just the ticket--these are all questions that play in the most brief of ways through my mind and sometimes i just ignore them, plow right on through with my original plan. writing this out like this makes the plan seem very simple and sort of juvenile, but you try it. go ahead, i dare you to be aware all day long about the tiny choices. the thing i like about doing this is the practice, if i practice just the tiny things, it puts me in the right frame of mind or into the zone to feel it when the really tiny tremors come up to help me pay attention to the important stuff--these are signals i miss all the time unless i am in the practicing zone.

back to the thing--if i am acting on this intention then here's what i hear right now...this is not the time to move into any kind of full swing. what actually feels really right on a vibrational level is to allow the learning to flow to me, not to check things off lists--just allow the space for the really good stuff to rise to the top of the list and become the thing i am in the middle of doing. my words in december are ringing in my ears..."the soulself understands the nature of a time for... allowing the universe to catch up with intention". how is it so easy to lose sight of that simple truth for me? does anybody else struggle with this one?

so i'm adding to the epiphany phrases that pop into my brain, the vibrational hints my spirit sends. last week it was let go and let guy,--the whole living in the now thing, but i want to amend that one... how does let go and let dog sound? in the same hibernation blog, i gave myself some inner coaching to Sit and Stay--the same instructions we give our faithful friends when we want them to slow down and take note of something we are trying to teach them, or not to get too excited, or to wait for a damn doggy treat. the dog's life can provide amazing insight into our human lives if we watch them for a minute. so lama, sit...stay...stay... strange as it may sound or read in this case--the phrase goes a long way towards quieting the errant mind and allowing the much needed respite.

(hmmm, so this posting seems totally stream of consciousness, hope it made sense to anyone else but me; if not, thanks for allowing the rant)

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Now playing: Elvis Costello - Alison
via FoxyTunes

what is this "nation" of which you speak?

i'm curious about this state of the nation that has appeared
to descend on me with full force over the past month or so,
whether i like it or not. The "state" to which i am referring
is the "hiber--nation" and it has closed in on me like the frost
on a canadian wolfhound's muzzle in a snowstorm.

over the past few years i have grown much more conscious of so many things as they relate to the seasons, tide, cycles of the moon, resonance with the natural world, but this has really been the first winter that i have been conscious of my own inner cycling attempting to go into hibernation. i am struck almost daily with an inner conflict of the me that means business all the time, and the me that gets things done by setting the intention and moving in that direction. for years, and i mean a whole lifetime here, the me that means business has been the leader of the pack. (hey if we're building a nation, there may as well be a pack of us that live here right?) As i learn a few things about myself, and open my eyes to a more conscious me, i recognize that there are different ways to live my daily life--not by changing the things i do or really even say, but by changing the way i am, perceive, respond, feel, choose to recognize, risk, love and relate with those around me.

the business side of my persona--run by the ego--has a plan for absolutely everything before i even get up in the morning, even if i don't have anything on my agenda for the day. the ego side of me plans what to wear, how to fill the hours, where to go, what route to take, what kind of coffee to drink, hair up or down, up or down, up or down, boots or heels, boots or heels, boots or heels....etc., etc. etc. silly ego, sit, stay...stay.... this is the game i have now entered into with the ego/business side of me. to tame the rabid beast into moments of quietude. how full can one person's head be of all this minutiae and effectively live a life? let me rephrase that, i'm so damn grateful that somehow i became aware of the question "how full can my head be of such minutiae, when my intention is to be living from my heart?"

so this place of living from the heart is a new habit for me, and while i operate from that place with more consistency each day, the ego is a hard habit to break. this brings me back to my original query regarding the state of the nation. truly with the seasonal shift into winter this year, my heart and soul--responding to seasonal, emotional and perhaps spiritual cues moved into some level of hibernation. it was not a conscious choice that i made to settle in for a long winter's nap, but like the bear to it's cave, my self that creates the movement--whoever she is today--is answering a subconscious call to sit, stay...stay... it is a temporary cease fire, if you will, between the doer and the be'er inside of me (funny how be'er is really beer without an apostrophe, i do wonder about the significance of that). my ego me is so incredibly impatient for results, results of things just begun, or even imagined; while the soulself understands the nature of a time for "ebbing" allowing the universe to catch up with intention--allowing long flexed muscles to build and store energy.

if you sort of say the word hibernation with a french accent, the "b" can ever so easily be heard as a "v" and then things slide into focus. if the word is hiver(not hiber)--french for winter--then this pack of selves just shifted into winter mode. and "en hiver" one must do as the bear's do, and go into hibernation, the spring will bring such glorious surprises won't it?

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Now playing: Soul Coughing - Coffee Song
via FoxyTunes

shadow dancing

journal entry November 10, 2007 from the desert
--into the west, shadow work
i'm on a solo meditation on the broad, red-rock. the sun shines brightly warming the air, but not strong enough in its wintering zenith to heat the face of the stone. a very light breeze plays with the baby hairs along my hair line and the same playfulness is matched by the two courageous crickets that keep me company. clothed in their camouflage browns and greens they must feel a kinship as my garb is much the same.
one little fellow felt so kindly he hopped right onto my thumb and began munching. i never realized crickets had such clenching little jaws and quickly let him know i was not on the lunch menu this day. my stillness and observation call to mind certain moments in childhood when, at the end of a long hot day swimming in the summer sun, i would lay my tired body down on the warm cement poolside, its slightly tangy smell of metal would mix with the chlorine in water dripping from my nose and eyelashes. the long shadows cast by the sun as it set in the west painted a shadow of my profile on the sidewalk, and as my body dried in the sun, i would make faces in the shadows--noticing my lips, my nose, my long luxuriant eyelashes that dripped with pool water--and i would hum a little tune inside myself; pleased to be so still and breathing in my own essence so deeply.
now sitting here upon this rock i am called to wonder--is it that our shadow work frightens us because of the danger held within--or is it simply because we have lost contact with that "deep within"--the place which holds our heartbeat and hum--that would love to be held and warmed in the sun, hummed to and rocked, recognized for its own song, its singular reflection? this moment, this now of awareness is welcome--i do not jump to care for the shadow--my shadow--because it is in pain, but because i love it, i am grateful for the awareness it brings , the depth it creates, the song it sings.